The Visible Man

About The Visible Man 

"I am an invisible man.  I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me.  When they approach me, they see only my surroundings, themselves, or figments of their imagination-- indeed, everything and anything except me."

--Ralph Ellison, "The Invisible Man" (1947)

The opposite of visibility is invisibility.  There are situations in which the "everyday person" is clearly in front of our faces, yet that individual goes about his/her day observed, yet unseen.

The objective of this section is to provide the individual regardless of ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, socioeconomic status, or religious affiliation a safe environment in which he/she can state concerns relating to their sense of humanness as well as feelings of responding to conflicts as they deal with the concept of invisibility in a society or community in which they may not feel validated, valued, wanted or appreciated.

This section will feature an ongoing platform in which questions or comments can be posted to the columnist, "The Visible Man".
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  To Live Without Fault.  To Live Again.

Dear Visible Man,

I want the opportunity to share my story.  I was victimized by two different men, the first time occurring when I was four years old and living with my mother and two year-old brother.  I was viciously raped by the landlord when my mother had left me alone to babysit my brother.  She was working only two blocks away. 

The second victimization occurred for nearly three years, during the ages of nine to twelve years old.  I was repeatedly raped by my stepfather, who told me that we were going to make a baby.  I finally got up enough courage to tell my mother who responded by threatening to put my eyes out with a fork and ordered me out of the house.  My stepfather went on to become a church deacon. 

I spent the next six years in the foster care system.  I graduated from high school, went to college, got married and raised four beautiful children.  I recently retired from a successful career as a librarian.  However, for fifty years I have blamed myself for what happened to me until I finally had the courage to seek therapy.  Following three and a half years in therapy, I gained an understanding of the following:

·      It was not my fault that I was abused by two different men.

·      Men do not attack children because of a behavior the child exhibits.  I did not do something that made these things happen.  It was not my fault.

·      I have nothing to be ashamed of, although I still feel ashamed.  It was not my fault.

·      I can tell my story.  I was able to tell my story to my therapy group.  It was not my fault.

·      I told my story to my abusive stepfather’s church pastor.  It was not my fault.

·      I told my story to the child welfare authorities, all in the hope of preventing others from having the pain, agony and depression that I had endured.  It was not my fault.

·      It wasn’t my fault that I grew up in the state foster care system.  It was not my fault.

·      Most importantly there is more life ahead of me.  My marriage is much improved. My life has improved.  I continue to work on balancing the flashbacks and suicidal thoughts.  I know these may never go away yet I can still experience joy in my life.  It was not my fault.

·      I continue to work on loving me.  It was not my fault.

I learned I am no longer invisible.  It was not my fault.  I do not exist.  I live and will continue to live. 

Thanks for providing the platform so I can share my story.

Bobbi (age 58)

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The Visible Man: My Son. My son. What Can I Do? Surviving or Thriving After The Zimmerman Verdict: You Choose.

Dear Visible Man,

     I am the mother of a 14-year-old African-American adolescent.  He will be attending a private school in the Puget Sound area next fall.  He has been congratulated by his coaches for his “natural talent,” but I am concerned about his poor decision making and the fact that he has developed a sense of entitlement.  

     I am also concerned about the hostile society he will face as he continues to develop into a black man.   What suggestions do you have?  Understanding what happened to Trayvon Martin and the jury verdict, how can I protect him?

Worried Mom, Puget Sound WA

Dear Worried Mom,

     Your comments are reflective of the concerns of many African-American mothers & fathers across the nation.  How can I protect my child from an increasingly hostile society?  How do I get my son to understand the natural gifts that he has?  To appreciate and utilize such gifts and avoid being used by others?  

     These are complex questions that may require you to do something you may not be prepared to do.  To begin, you must model the behavior you are seeking.

      First, you must want to stop living in fear and begin the process of living with fear. 

     Second, you must want to get out of way, stop intervening and protecting your adolescent from the realities of life.  

     Third, you must want to provide your adolescent with empowerment strategies that will prevail long following either your death or his/her attainment of adulthood, whichever comes first.

     The death of Trayvon Martin and the ensuring jury verdict are in themselves travesties.  And yet understanding how American society feels about black males, both the death and the jury verdict is not a shock or surprise to many.  

LIVING WITH FEAR INSTEAD OF LIVING IN FEAR

     We must change the way that we conceptualize and view fear.  Just like happiness, joy and sadness, fear is nothing more than an emotion.  We must want to teach our adolescents how to conceptualize and utilize fear instead of allowing fear to be used against them.  We must want to conceptualize fear as both being “good” and “wanted” instead of something to be viewed as “bad” and to be avoided or denied.

     In conceptualizing fear the individual can be taught the following understanding:  Utilizing fear, I understand that I am: 

·       Alone-the individual, once outside the residence is vulnerable

·       Abandon-the individual is at risk of being isolated by the larger group and singled out.

·       Awareness-the individual must want to be “aware” of his surroundings and physical environment.

·       Alert-the individual must want to be vigilant to the presences of others i.e. personal and emotional safety.

·       Alive-the individual in following the first four components has improved his/her chances of returning to the residence safe, unharmed and not traumatized.

GET OUT OF THE WAY

     Adolescence can be a time of pride for many parents.  However it can also be a time in which parents agonized, sweat, cry and shake their heads in frustration.  Attempting to prepare adolescents for moving into a society that has proven to be hostile and fearful due to stereotypes and fears of imagined behaviors is doubled in difficulty when parental action results in either minimizing the issue or prevents the adolescent from learning from mistakes of decisions or choices in actions.

     Just as adolescents are learning and adjusting as they move toward young adulthood, so must their parents learn and adjust in their behaviors and actions.  Parents must want to transition from the roles of supervisors and directors to roles that are suitable to those which encourage preparedness for young adulthood.  The following transition is suggested:

The ABC’s of Parenting from Adolescence to Adulthood

The parent adopts the following roles:

·       A= advocacy-The parent becomes a “parental advocate.” In doing so, the parental advocate provides encouragement for the adolescent’s independence and movement into adulthood.

·       B= bystander-The parent becomes a “bystander”.  In doing so, the parent learns to come to terms with his/her own stress/anxiety.  The parent refrains from interfering or blocking the making of “specific” mistakes and in doing so, becomes willing to observe the adolescent make mistakes and wrestle with choices and decisions.

·       C= consultation-The parent remains open and available.  The parent agrees to serve in the role of consultant and provide “consultation upon request.”  Such consultation is likely to be more valued when the information is requested by the adolescent rather than demanded by the parent.

Of the three distinct roles, the “bystander” is far the most difficult role for a parent to transit into.  To stand by and observe one’s adolescent either make a mistake or error in judgment, decision etc can be quite troublesome for most parents.  However the question is this: How can I be assure that my young adult will make good decisions when I am either not available to assist or following my death?  

EMPOWERMENT STRATEGIES 

Life within itself is a journey.  As parents we can respond to our sense of powerlessness and move towards “living with fear” in assisting our adolescents to prepare for young adulthood.  This can be done with utilizing the following empowerment strategy known as The Four Stages of the Journey of Self Discovery i.e. RACE:

·       Responsibility- the adolescent must want to accept responsibility for his/her well-being.

·       Accountability- the adolescent and no one else is accountable for his/her actions.

·       Consequences- are reactions (not punishment) to decisions, actions or behaviors that the adolescent is involved within.

·       Empowerment-comes from within the individual.  It is for the adolescent to set and achieve his/her goals and/or direction.

In summary, to answer the main question that is being asked indirectly is  “how do I protect my adolescent from a society that is either hostile or fearful of him?”  The answer to this is suggested in a quote by Phillip Jackson, the Executive Director of The Black Star Project (Chicago, IL).  He states:

“America loves Black men like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, Frederick Douglass and even Trayvon Martin after they are dead.  It is the strong, vocal, positive, everyday Black men that they have trouble with while they are alive!”

Black Star Project 7/13/13

We can focus our energies on protecting our children or we can focus on empowering our children to protect themselves.

I love black men.  I love my deceased grandfather who grew up in South Carolina and while lying in his coffin had the same scar over his eyebrow that he had carried since he was 13 years old when a white stranger whipped him in the street.  I love my father who was programmed to think that black is bad and tries to dissociate himself from anything black and still refers to black people as “Afro Americans.”  I love my black male friends.  I love my son.  I loathe that there are people that make negative pre-judgments about these wonderful men that I know.  Prejudgments that could deny them a job, deny them friendships or lead to their arrest or even their untimely death.

                Felicia 45, mother of son age 13

                                You Choose

Live in fear or live with fear…. You choose.

Seek to protect your adolescent from a hostile society or advocate for his/her empowerment… You choose.

Empower your adolescent to thrive.  Or continue to enable him/her to survive.  You choose.

Yesterday is gone.  Today is fading.  Tomorrow is not promised. 

You Choose.

The Visible Man

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The Visible Man: Knocking At The Door: Bisexuality Within The African-American Community

Silence… Pretend… Ignore… Avoid… Deny…

The Seattle Times recently published an article regarding the lack of acceptance of bisexuality by both straight and gay/lesbian communities. (“Study: Most bisexuals still haven’t come out” 7/22/13)

The article highlighted a photograph of an African-American woman, her male Caucasian spouse and their handsome biracial child.  However there was a discrepancy between the article and the photograph in the failure of the article to provide any information regarding the status or African-American bisexuals  “coming out” or responding to rejection from either their community or the majority population.

 

The article brought forth attitudes held by both members of gay/lesbians and straight communities as well as startling statistics regarding the impact of rejection upon bisexuals.  The article suggests that both communities are distrustful of bisexuals, holding onto stereotypes that bisexuals are indecisive or incapable of monogamous relationships. 

 

It was found in a Pew Research study that as a result of rejection by both communities that a time in which many gay and lesbians are “coming out” asserting their civil rights, most bisexuals have chosen to remain closeted or hidden from public view.  Furthermore the research study developed the following findings:

·      Only 28% of bisexuals said that most or all of the important people in their lives knew about their sexual orientation, compared to 71% of lesbians and 78% of gay men.

·      Only 11% of bisexual people said most of their closest co-workers knew of their sexual orientation, compared to 48% of gay men and 50% of lesbians.

·      Bisexuals were less likely than gay men and lesbians to say their workplaces were accepting of them.

The article goes on to state that as a result bisexuals suffer from isolation. Studies have found that

·      Bisexual people are at greater risk of emotional distress than gay/lesbian or straight people.

·      Bisexual women are more likely to binge drink and suffer depression.

·      Bisexual people are more likely than gays/lesbians and straight people to harm themselves or endure suicidal thoughts

Although I find the research to be startling as it provides proof that due to rejection, bisexuals are forced to reside in two separate closets: a straight one and a gay one.  The research also indicates that bisexuals are responding to the absence of a clearly defined community and the psychological stress of having to hide their sexual orientation.

However what I find most interesting is the photograph featuring of a African-American woman, her male Caucasian spouse and their handsome biracial child yet the article fails to provide any research or documentation regarding the impact of rejection being dealt with by bisexuals of ethnic minority communities. 

In essence the photograph appears to serve as a prop adding “color” to an article that focusing on the psychological impact on bisexuals belonging to the “majority.”  Historically ethnic minorities have been cited in such articles as an “afterthought.” In this situation, the article does not even bother to attempt to hide its use or rather misuse of ethnic minority bisexual people.  Clearly this is one of those situations in which “they are seen, yet they remain invisible.” 

In the article the biracial family “exists” for the enjoyment of the reader.  The reader attains internal satisfaction, observing the ethnic diversity of the mother and father as they are beaming with smiles as they hold their child.  However their “story” is not being told. 

As the article clearly points out the rejection that Caucasian bisexuals are facing in both gay/lesbian and straight communities, it fails to provide information which is widely known that bisexuals of color and bisexual ethnic minorities are often responding to rejections from three communities: gays/lesbians, straight people and their own ethnic minority community. 

Furthermore, where Caucasian bisexuals are responding to rejection due to sexual orientation, ethnic minority bisexuals are responding not only to the same rejection by the gay/lesbian and straight communities as a result of their sexual orientation, but to the rejection by their ethnic community, which denies them a source of protection and a safe harbor from the racism, oppression and discriminatory treatment that they face day to day due to the color of their skin or ethnic origin.

Whether the photograph serves its purpose in “selling” the article” is not of concern. The real issues are those of invisibility, manipulation and the failure of the article to tell the story of the people in the photograph.”  The article used this family in a manner that is a disservice and in doing so reinforces the perception of “invisibility” for ethnic minority bisexuals.

There is interesting research that has been developed among the topic of bisexuality within the African American community

·      Due to homophobia within the African-American community, African-American bisexual youth are often reluctant to disclose their sexuality

·      In a large sample of behaviorally bisexual men, it was found that African-Americans were much less likely to disclose their sexual orientation to their female partners than whites

·      Two major predictors for disclosure among African-American men were current age and age at initial engagement in sexual behavior, with older and more experienced men being more willing to disclose their sexuality.

There continues to be a wall of silence and ignorance (lack of knowledge) within the African-American community regarding bisexuality.  To provide clarification, the use of the word bisexual as a label and identity varies from group to group and from bisexual individual to bisexual individual. To provide some understanding to the question of what is bisexuality here are a few of the more popular definitions currently in use:

·       Someone who is capable of feeling romantic, spiritual, and/or sexual attraction for either male or female gender.

·       A person who loves despite gender.

·       One who loves individuals first and genders second.

·       An individual open to sexual or emotional exploration with two genders.

This African-American bisexual individual does not merely exist.  He/she is not invisible.  They are alive.  They live vibrant and meaningful lives.  Their presence brings a picture of diversity of the human tapestry that is among us.  They have a story that deserves to be told. 

Members of the ethnic minority bisexual community are knocking at the door.   The public, viewing and listening have a right to hear their story.

The Visible Man