Loving Me More: At The Crossroads

At The Crossroads: Victory at the London 2012 Olympics: Is it all about the Hair?

Originally Posted August 20, 2012

Well after a seven-month hiatus, I am returning to writing Crossroads. I took time off to respond to major transitions in my life including the passing of my mother and refocusing my clinical work from the University of Washington to practice private. The change in work now allows for time to provide healthcare to my beloved spouse, my Linda.

The death of my mother was a great loss to me. She was one classy lady. She passed away early this year on Valentine’s Day. In her lifetime she saw the integration of African-American women and men in the armed forces (1948). Furthermore she lived to observe African-American women achieve history by being first in various categories. In the decades beginning from her birth (sunrise) to her death (sunset) she was able to observe the following achievements:

· Otelia Cromwell, first African-American female to receive a doctoral degree from Yale University (1926)

· Mary McLeod Bethune, first African-American to head a federal agency, National Youth Administration (1938)

· Hattie McDaniel, first African-

American to win an Academy Award, Best Supporting Actress, Gone with the Wind (1940)

· Leontyne Price, first African-American to appear in a telecast opera, the NBC’s predication of Tosca (1956)

· Patricia Roberts Harris, first African-American woman Ambassador of the United States, Luxemburg (1965)

· Shirley Chisholm, first African-American to campaign for the US presidency in a major political party and to win a US presidential primary, Democratic Party New Jersey primary (1972)

· Vanessa L. Williams, first African-American to win the crown of Miss America (1983)

· Dr. Mae Jemison, first African-American woman astronaut, Space Shuttle Endeavour (1992)

· Condoleezza Rice, first African-American woman to be appointed National Security Advisor to the President of the United States (2001) and first African-American woman to be appointed Secretary of the US State Department (2005)

· Michelle Obama, first African-American First Lady, wife of the first African-American President of the United States (2009)

Unfortunately, my mother did not live to see the 2012 London Olympic Games in which Gabby Douglas became the first African-American to win the gold medal in the gymnastics category of “Women’s Individual All-Around Final.”

I know had she lived to see this great occasion, she would have been proud of Gabby. She would have understood the challenges and sacrifices that this young woman made when in her early adolescence, she left her family and moved 1500 miles away to live with a Caucasian family to pursue her dreams of becoming an Olympic competitor.

My mother, in remembering sending her own children off to battle during the integration of white-only schools, would have understood the sacrifices and struggles Gabby’s mother had to endure so her daughter could attain a moment never before achieved by a female of her race.

Although my mother missed this great moment in history, I am glad she was not here to witness the embarrassing and shameful behavior of African-Americans who chose to humiliate Gabby by focusing not on her great achievement, but rather on downgrading her because of their “lack of satisfaction” with how she wore her hair.

My mother would have been shocked (as I and many others were) that people were focusing on Gabby’s perceived “bad hair” or “lack of hair grooming.” Having resided in the southern United States, my mother would had chalked this up to “ugly, ignorant talk” and the ravings of “racist folk” attempting to keep a “hard working sista” down.

My mother’s face would have frozen in utter disbelief to find out that such negative ugly words and behavior came from African-Americans. The question being asked by many is why? Why would we engage in such behavior?

In discussions with African-Americans regarding this incident, I have heard opinions that the hair comments were ignorant, stupid and without class, etc., made by individuals who hide behind the anonymity of the internet and therefore they should be discounted. Yet, the hair comments have served to emotionally wound one courageous woman and have the potential to hinder others who seek to follow their dreams and passions.

African-Americans historically have been under pressure to succeed. We have fought for the right to serve and die in our nation’s military even if it meant the humiliation of serving in segregated units. We have fought for the right to contribute and be represented in all sectors of American life and society.

Today’s generation of African-American youth represents past and present commitments to accept the challenge of “being the first”, “affirming the race” and “representing us” at all times. Many of us are grateful and appreciative of these valuable commitments.

Regretfully, there will always be those who will look for the negative and search for reasons to put another person down instead of identifying the positive and lifting the person up. Those who feast on the bandwagon of negative imagery will find the taste to be either bland or bittersweet. Substance will always reveal beauty and character.

I know if my mother would have been alive to witness Gabby’s accomplishments, she would have embraced her and lifted her up as if she were her daughter. Because she is.

She is our daughter, our sister and our Gabby. We are extremely proud of her.

By the way, no, it is not all about the hair. It is about commitment, hard work and dedication of the athlete, her family and her community.

It is about Gabby and her success.

Go Gabby go!!

Until the next Crossroads.

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Suffering In Silence

Originally posted on November 28, 2012

In September, 2012, a former minister and church musician of Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church pleaded guilty to 22 charges of sexual molestation of boys. The Seattle Times reported that the minister admitted to sexually abusing 10 boys from 1997 to 2011.

According to the article, he pled guilty to charges that included rape of a child, child molestation, sexual exploitation of a minor and possession of child pornography. At the time of writing Crossroads, the minister had not received sentencing for his criminal acts.

The focus of this writing is not about the minister. Rather, the focus is on the boys and young men who were victimized by his criminal behavior. The minister cannot be type -casted as a pedophile lurking around the school playground. Rather, the children and adolescents were unwittingly delivered to him. He came into contact with his victims through holding “positions of trust” in various roles, such as foster parent, Boys & Girls Club youth supervisor and participation in various church activities and youth programs.

Although the minister will no doubt be held accountable by the judicial system for his criminal acts, my concern lies with what will become of his victims. After reviewing numerous articles, I was unable to find any mention or discussion of clinical/mental health services being provided to the group that I will simply refer to as the Invisibles.

One may ask, “Why are they being referred to as the Invisibles? Why indeed? Where are they? What has become of them? What are their stories? What can we learn so this terrible, terrible suffering can be prevented from occurring to a child/adolescent again?

There are organizations such as SNAP (Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests) that advocate on behalf of those victimized by the Roman Catholic Clergy. Such organizations have websites, blogs and are able to call upon national and local media attention to the sufferings of this group. However, when similar tragedies occur within the African-American community, there appears to be token media coverage and silence among other African-American clergy. Perhaps the other clergy is thanking the Lord that it didn’t happen in their churches.

There is the silence that permeates throughout the community; rumors, gossip and inadequate information are afoot. Whose child was it? Sadly, it may be that the community has joined the clergy in thanking the Lord that it didn’t happen to their children.

Well folks, guess what? It did happen in a church in “our” community. It did happen to “our” children. Our sons have suffered from sexual assault, violence and betrayal. In our “silence” the suffering of our children continues.

To those who may ask, “Well Dr. Kane, what do you plan on doing about it? Why don’t you get involved?” To that question, my reply is I am involved! I have not been nor will I be silent on this issue.

In October I wrote the Pastor of Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church about my concerns. Here are some excerpts from the correspondence:

· “It has been my experience that males may have difficulty responding to or processing feelings related to sexual abuse. I am also aware of the lack of certified/licensed clinicians who respond to this issue within the African-American community.”

· I would like the opportunity to meet with you and your church leadership to discuss the possibility of providing services to members of your congregation.

· I encourage you to visit my websites: lovingtheself.com and/or mkaneassoc.com, which may address preliminary questions you and others may have about my services.

Today, I have yet to receive a response. In early November, I followed-up with an email and was told by an executive staff assistant that I could send my brochures and business cards, which would be placed in view of the church congregation.

“Placed in view” on a table? Doesn’t sound like an acknowledgement that serious problems exists or being addressed. The message, which may comes across, is “be quiet”, “don’t talk about it” and/or “it will die down or go away.”

It won’t die down and it most certainly won’t go away. Remember the Invisibles? They are alive. They suffer in silence. It is in our silence that they “exist.”

They can be likened to lambs being led to slaughter. They were sent to a person that they were told could be trusted. Instead he betrayed them. He violated them. He stole their innocence and now, if the church is not dealing directly with the victims, the lack of validation and recognition by their clergy and community violates them further. It is not their silence. It is our silence. It is not their shame. It is our shame. Our silence is a cold shoulder/backside. They are our children and they have done nothing wrong.

We can do right by them and for them. We can ensure that they (if wanting) receive mental health treatment. We can acknowledge them. We can validate them. We can embrace them.

I belong to a professional organization, i.e. the Washington State Society of Clinical Social Workers. These are wonderful people who are committed to providing services in the local communities. It is possible that my colleagues could provide assistance and respond to these tragic occurrences.

I reach out to them. However, this will be extremely difficult if we continue to allow silence to speak for us.

I would encourage the reader to take the following action(s):

1) Contact Reverend Robert Lee Manaway, Pastor, Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church 2801 South Jackson Street, Seattle, WA 98144, (206) 329-9794. Inquire about actions being taken to alleviate the suffering of those abused.

2) Contact the United Black Clergy Association of Seattle (contact can be initiated via the local African-American churches of Seattle). Ask what the organization is doing to assist Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church with the situation. Inquire as to what the organization is doing to prevent and respond to sexual abuse within the African-American church.

3) Contact your spiritual leader and inquire what your religious or spiritual organization, church, mosque, temple or synagogue can do to assist the victims of clergy sexual abuse.

It would be easy to point the finger at someone or some organization to cast fault or blame, but blame and fault are poor motivators. Out of their ashes only guilt and shame arise. It is our responsibility to our children that they be protected and safe. We want them to understand that they are valued and will be validated and cared for. They need not suffer in silence any longer.

We can learn to empower the self through vocal advocacy and expression
and in doing so, bring an end to the traumatic pain of “suffering in silence.”

I will not be silent!

Dr. Micheal Kane

Until the next crossroad, the journey continues……….

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The Three Wise Monkeys: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Speak No Evil: The Invisibles

Originally posted on December 9, 2012

The story of the Three Wise Monkeys is a Japanese proverb focusing on associations of good mind, speech and action. The three monkeys are Mizaru, covering his eyes, who sees no evil; Kikazaru, covering his ears, who hears no evil; and Iwazaru, covering his mouth, who speaks no evil. In the telling of the story sometimes there is a fourth monkey depicted with the other three. This one Shizaru, symbolizes the principle of “do no evil.” He is often shown crossing his arms.

In the Western world the ideology of the Three Wise Monkeys is often used to refer to those who deal with impropriety by turning a blind eye. So returning to “The Invisibles,” understanding that our children having been sexually abused by a member of the clergy within the African-American community, what does this have to do with the Three Wise Monkeys?

We of the African-American community of Seattle have become the embodiment of the Three Wise Monkeys. We have knowledge and awareness of the following information:

1) In October 2012, a former member of the clergy of Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church pled guilty to 22 counts of sex abuse i.e. rape of child, child molestation, sexual exploitation of a minor and possession of child pornography; and:

2) The former minister confessed to sexually abusing 10 boys from 1997 to 2011; and

3) The children and adolescents were unwittingly delivered to him as they came into contact with him while he was holding various “positions of trust” i.e. foster parent, Boys & Girls Club youth supervisor and ministering in various churches activates and youth programs.

We have the capability through social action to ensure that those victimized individuals and families receive validation and (if desired) mental health treatment. We can hold our clergy accountable not only in the judicial system but in our community as well. We can ensure that our children will be protected while being placed in the trust and guidance of those who are ordained and committed to our salvation.

And yet we choose to remain silent. Recently in reviewing The Facts, the newspaper of the Seattle African American community, I read articles regarding community & church preparations for the upcoming holidays, pastoral celebrations and obituaries of the recently deceased.

And yet, there was not one word regarding “The Invisibles” i.e. the sexually abused boys and adolescents. There are several questions to be asked:

Why called these children the Invisibles?
Why not refer to them as the 10 i.e. ten victims?
Why are we i.e. the African-American community holding onto silence?

One, the children are referred to as the Invisibles because they are silent and thus unseen. However the focus is on us, the adults who by our status as parents and adults are in the mentorship and modeling roles for our children. We want them to be silent. In their silence they merely “exist.” In their existence, we hope that they in time will simply fade away.

As long as they are invisible, WE do not have to raise our heads. We can continue tithing and seeking salvation. We can go on pretending that all is well. We can continue to lure ourselves into the fantasy that the sexual abuse by those to whom we have entrusted our children was an “aberration.” An aberration that is never to occur again.

The Invisibles are not referred to as the “10” because there is a STRONG probability that more than ten children were sexually abused by the former minister. The ten boys and adolescents he admitted to abusing were the ones that the legal system can prove he actually abused. It is highly likely that in 11 years of having open access to young males, this individual sexually abused more children than he has confessed to.

If indeed more than ten boys and adolescents have been abused then why have they not come forward? Why are they silent? Why indeed?

It could be that they are mirroring or reflecting what is being felt within their community. It could be that they are silent due to the concern of being labeled. Finally it could be that they are silent due to fear. Fear? Fear of what?

Fear of what others may think of them. Fear of what they may question or think about themselves. Guilt. Shame. Humiliation. The Invisibles may be silent for the very same reasons that the community is silent. Guilt. Shame. Humiliation.

One of my favorite television shows is “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.” I recall in one episode portraying an African-American NBA figure publicly coming forward on national media acknowledging that his high school coach had repeatedly sexually abused him.

In coming forward the star basketball player stated that he was utilizing this as an opportunity for other boys & adolescents who were similarly abused to come forward. Behind him stood his team of all African-American adult males with their hands on his shoulders, supporting him. The embrace, love and support that they showed him brought tears to my eyes.

Yeah…. I know. It was “just” a television episode. However it can be a model for the reality that is now occurring in our community. We can make a stand for these children. We can embrace them. We can advocate for them. We can do what we can to ensure these children know that they are indeed visible and more specifically, they exist and they are alive!

However to achieve this, the ending of “suffering in silence” we must first bring down the “wall of silence” that currently is a living, breathing thing lurking at will in our community. We must want to respond to our own fear. We must want to learn to “live with fear” and cease the current behaviors of “living in fear.”

Today our community is drowning in fear. The fear has resulted in “nonfeasance.” Nonfeasance can be defined as the willingness to ignore and take no indicated action. Specifically, it’s having knowledge and awareness of a specific occurrence and the deliberate choice of “taking no action.”

As I stated in my last writing of At the Crossroads,

“It would be easy to point the finger at someone or some organization to cast fault or blame. However both blame and fault are poor motivators. Out of their ashes only guilt and shame will arise. Rather it is our responsibility to our children that they be protected and safe. We want them to understand that they are valued and will be validated and cared for. They need not suffer in silence any longer.”

I would encourage the reader to take the following action(s):

1) Contact Reverend Robert Lee Manaway, Pastor, Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church 2801 South Jackson Street, Seattle, WA 98144 (206) 329-9794

Inquire as to what actions are being taken to respond to and/or alleviate the suffering of those abused by a member of his staff.

2) Contact the United Black Clergy Association of Seattle. (Contact can be initiated via the local African-American churches of Seattle.

Inquire as to what the organization is doing to assist Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church to respond to this situation. Furthermore, inquire as to what the organization is doing to prevent and respond to sexual abuse within the African-American church.

3) Contact your spiritual leader and inquire what your religious or spiritual organization, church, mosque, temple, or synagogue can do to assist the victims of clergy sexual abuse.

4) Share this writing of At the Crossroads and the previous ones with others. Ask that they also make inquiries into the issues that have been addressed.

Returning to the ideology of the “Three Wise Monkeys,” as stated earlier, in the telling of the story there is a fourth monkey, Shizaru, who is shown crossing his arms symbolizing “do no evil.” In our community evil has already been done. We can become Shizaru and work to create wellness in our community, beginning with those who “suffer in silence.”

“I Believe I’ve Been Blue Too Long”

All around me there’s a solid wall.

A wall of trouble and confusion, I done tired of it all.

I believe, I believe I’ve been blue too long.

B.B. King & David Clark

(1971) Universal Duchess Music

At the next crossroads: Betrayal Trauma: The Impact of Living in Fear

Until the next crossroads. The journey continues…

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Decision Point: The Well Designed Road or The Unlit Path?

Originally posted on February 18, 2013

The Road to Hell

There is a very interesting proverb that states, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” The meaning of the phrase is that individuals may do bad things even though they intend the results to be good. This can stem from believing that the ends justify the means, or from actions leading to unforeseen consequences.

Secrets. Family secrets. How many times have we heard “what is said here in this family stays in this family”? Yes, there was the time in which the “larger group” i.e. family, community, and society was the moral and spiritual compass for the individual. It was from the larger group that the individual gained his/her values, ideas and principles of good and evil, etc

In return, the larger group demanded allegiance, commitment, and “obligation.” In return the larger group i.e. family, community and society granted protection, fellowship and a safe place to weather the raging storms of racism, oppression and discrimination.

Over the years from slavery to freedom, from Jim Crow segregation to the fight for civil and human rights, such institutions as the family, church and community having been battered, have managed to survive the turbulence and sufferings emitted from these difficult times.

From the beginning of our childhood we have been taught literally to sacrifice the needs and wants of the individual for the “good” and welfare of the larger group i.e. family, community, and society. We have been fed slogans such as “each one, teach one, “we are in this together” and shouts of “we shall overcome one day”. All of this in service of the larger group. This is being done at the sacrifice of the individual. Should the individual seek to question or seek what is for his/her own “needs or wants” the person is sought upon by the larger group as being “selfish, uncaring, or greedy.”

The individual is shamed and isolated within the community. The remaining “foot soldiers” learn this lesson well. Keep quiet. Be silent. Keep waiting for that pie in sky when you die. One’s good deeds will be rewarded in the afterlife.

Meanwhile, the family unit continues to straggle along. For the majority of households in the African-American community, they are led by women without a “positive” male role involved. Yes, there are males “around.” The question is are they involved and if so, are they consistent, committed and communicative within the family relationships.

So as African-American women have done throughout the years, they turn to the one institution, the African-American Church for salvation and protection. Of course there have always been the sordid stories of the ministers having inappropriate relationships with the female members of the church congregations.

We have all heard the gossip and the rumors about “Sista So & So” and “Brotha So & So.” Understanding that both parties were human and aware that humans make mistakes, so what if we chose to act in accordance with the three wise monkeys i.e. don’t see, don’t hear and don’t speak. After all, they are adults. Besides, as we have been taught “don’t wash your dirty laundry in public.”

So these families seeking guidance for their children send them to church; the one institution that is the rock of their faith. Of course rumors and gossip are abound about inappropriate behaviors towards the children however no action is taken. Silence. Individuals come forth. Allegations are made. Silence. Local news media breaks the story about sexual misconduct within the church institution. Still silence.

Finally, the minister publicly admits to 22 counts of sexual misconduct against boys and adolescents over a period of 14 years. What do we hear from the institution of the African-American Church? Silence.

Regarding the subtopic “The road to hell”? In this case in Seattle’s African-American community, it is paved with “silence.” The secrecy being maintained by the institution about the betrayal of the minister and damage done to the victims, the families and the church congregation is being supported by the individuals and families who are devoted to these institutions.

Either we have learned the lessons well that were taught by the larger group or we as individuals within the community are living in fear. Fear? Fear of what? Name it and claim it. Being judged, social standings, concerned what others may think.

Today we stand at the crossroads. The signs point into two distinct directions i.e. the “Well Designed Road” and the “Unlit Path.” The Well Designed Road is well known. Nothing changes, same scenery. It was designed by someone else for your comfort. There is nothing for the individual to do but follow and remain silent.

The Unlit Path is unknown, with its direction unforeseen. This path is uncertain however it is filled with hope and possibilities. The Unlit Path is designed by the individual. He/she must want to question the direction to be chosen.

The Well Designed Road is paved with good intentions. It uses fear as a tool to keep the members in line and in step. The Unlit Path is paved with empowerment, vision and hope for the future. The Unlit Path waits for that individual person, to leave the group and….. take the first step.

We can continue to do the same thing, placing our children at risk or in similar situations or we can do something different. If we continue to do the same thing, we can expect the same or similar outcome. Whose son or daughter will be next?

As in previous writings of “At the Crossroads, I ask the reader to take the following action(s):

1) Contact Reverend Robert Lee Manaway, Pastor, Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church 2801 South Jackson Street, Seattle, WA 98144

(206) 329-9794

Inquire as to what actions are being taken to respond to and/or alleviate the suffering of those abused by a member of his staff.

2) Contact the United Black Clergy Association of Seattle. (Contact can be initiated via the local African-American churches of Seattle).

3) Contact your spiritual leader and inquire what your religious or spiritual organization, church, mosque, temple, or synagogue can do to assist the victims of clergy sexual abuse.

4) Share this writing of At the Crossroads and the previous ones with others. Ask that they also make inquiries into the issues that have been addressed.

This writing of “At the Crossroads” represents the beginning of closure on this series regarding the Invisibles. This does not mean that the issue has come to an end. On the contrary I believe that the reader of the series has been equipped with enough information.

I truly believe that the Walls of Jericho will come down only when those from within these walls raise their voices and make their concerns heard. It would be unfortunate to allow the actions of one individual, one clergyman to destroy the good actions of others in the clergy.

However silence in this situation is not golden, it is deadly. One’s faith has been shaken. Trust has been broken. It must be rebuilt. We must be assured that our children will not be placed in harms’ way. We must be able to breathe with relief and know that our children are safe.

Silence. Yes, the Invisibles suffer in silence. Let me assure you that they are indeed alive. They do not merely exist. They are alive. They will not fade away.

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Family Secrets

The road to hell begins with this statement:

“What happens in this family stays in this family.”

Solution: Walk a new path.

Love me. Choose me.

Take care of the Self.

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Lay My Brother Down (Gently)

Originally posted on February 23, 2013

Silence is not always golden. There are times in which silence can be deadly.

We love slogans. The “we” meaning the African-American community. Over the years of my life, I have come in contact with plenty brain ingraining quotes. They include the following:

· Leave no one behind.

· He ain’t heavy; he’s my brother.

· Lead one; teach one.

· We are all in this together.

· A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

· Without you there can be no us.

However the one I feel that has the most impact for me is “It takes a Village to raise a Child.” Now, I translate the meaning of “village” to that of “community.” A community can be defined in the following:

“A group of people living together in one place in fellowship with each other, sharing common attitudes, interests and goals.”

A community shares social values and responsibilities. They may share similarity in identity or commitment to the welfare and common good of its members. Speaking on the issue of “welfare and common good” let us return to the Invisibles.

As you may recall in an earlier writing of At The Crossroads (11/12) a former minister of Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church pleaded guilty to 22 counts of sexual assault. These charges included rape of child, child molestation, sexual exploitation of a minor and possession of child pornography.

The clergyman admitted to sexually abusing 10 boys and adolescents over a period of 14 years i.e. 1997 to 2011. For 14 years this individual served in a position of trust. For 14 years he sat there, preying on children, robbing them of their innocence, ripping away their mental and spiritual wellness. Just as shocking, for 14 years these children were unwittingly driven to the banquet table and literally, delivered to him like turkeys dressed up for the feast.

Betrayal. Yes. Betrayal. Betrayal can be defined as to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining or fulfilling trust. It can also be to disappoint the hopes or expectations of or being disloyal to an individual, group or organization.

The minister betrayed these young boys and adolescents. They trusted him. In a trusting relationship they allowed themselves to be vulnerable and emotionally exposed. In return he sexually abused them and violated their trust. He was truly a thief who stole while acting in his ministry.

The betrayal did not stop there. In his actions the minister betrayed the parents who unwittingly sent their children to him. He betrayed the trust of his congregation who believed he was spreading the “word.” He betrayed his clergy and the church, which as a minister he acted upon its spiritual auspices and authority. Finally, he betrayed the African-American community whose infallible belief in the institution of the church may now be or forever be shaken.

There are many, many victims. They include the Invisibles, their parents, siblings /extended families, the congregation, the clergy and the community as a whole. It is understandable that a multitude of feelings may be attached following the revelation of repeated acts i.e. 22 counts of admitted sexual abuse. Such feelings could range from that of shame, guilt, anger and outright disbelief.

Out of the flames rising from these acts of betrayal could result in psychological and physical destabilization. This could range from loss of self-esteem and self-confidence to negative self-imagery. Mental health concerns could range from active states of depression, anxiety, nightmares, sweats repetitive recall of the sexual assaults to behavioral changes impacting bodily functions (bedwetting and bowel elimination).

This is the time for us as a community to reach out and embrace and support those victimized by these terrible acts. This is the time that we as a community come together to begin the process of healing the wounds that tear at the fabric of our community. This is the time that we as a community take steps to ensure that our children will be protected from such acts again.

We can ill afford to maintain the wall of silence that continues within the African-American community. The wall of silence serves as the model of what is expected of us. Keep quiet. Handle your business. Do so quietly.

However the message that our children who are impacted i.e. the Invisibles and those others watching is “bear your pain (shame, disgrace, embarrassment) in silence. Score the winning touchdown, home run, or lay up. Come from behind in victory…we all celebrate together. However when your head down casted due to no fault of your own (betrayal) you are alone. So suffer in silence and fade away. Or just go away.

None of what is being stated is rocket science. This is all “learned behavior.”

John Head in his book, Standing in the Shadows: Understanding and Overcoming Depression in Black Men (2004) states:

“…. from the time we are young boys, black males have ingrained into us an idea of manhood that requires a silence about feelings, a withholding of emotions, an ability to bear burdens alone, and a refusal to appear weak. The internal pressure to adhere to adhere to this concept of masculinity only increases as we confront a society that has historically sought to deny us our manhood.” (p 3).

The point being provided here is clear. Our children will model the behavior that we adults provide. The days of “do as I say” are now clearly being replaced with “do as I do.” What we do or do not will no doubt strongly impact our children for many years to come. As they continue to “suffer in silence” it will be due to the model we as adults in the African-American community have provided for them.

Returning to the slogan “It takes a Village to Raise a Child,” as in the previous writings of At the Crossroads, I would ask that the reader consider the following actions:

1) Contact Reverend Robert Lee Manaway, Pastor, Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church 2801 South Jackson Street, Seattle, WA 98144

(206) 329-9794

Inquire as to what actions are being taken to respond to and/or alleviate the suffering of those abused by a member of his staff.

2) Contact the United Black Clergy Association of Seattle. (Contact can be initiated via the local African-American churches of Seattle

3) Contact your spiritual leader and inquire what your religious or spiritual organization, church, mosque, temple, or synagogue can do to assist the victims of clergy sexual abuse.

It “does” take a Village to raise a Child. We can do so by taking a step to end the “suffering in silence.”

Dr. Micheal Kane

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I am so forlorn, life is a thorn, my heart is torn, why was I born?

What did I do to be so black and blue?

“Black and Blue” by Harry Brooks, Andy Razaf and Thomas “Fats” Waller (1929) EMI Music Inc.

At the next Crossroads: Decision Point: The Well Designed Road or The Unlit Path?

Until the next crossroads. The journey continues…….

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Living During Difficult Times, The Focus is on the Journey, not the Destination.

Originally posted on Feburary 26, 2013

This has been a very difficult period in my life as I work to balance the heaviness, which has been occurring during the past year, as the year 2012 comes to closure and 2013 has begun.

I remain concerned that the children and families who are suffering in silence and traumatized by the betrayal and sexual abuse will continue to be ignored and in doing so severely impacted by the silence associated with their pain and suffering.

In the midst of this, I am struck by the psychological havoc occurring in my community. I am referring to the revelations of sexual abuse by the clergy within the Seattle African-American community. Local media broke the story that a minister admitted to 22 counts of sexual abuse over a period of 14 years.

Stunned, I reached out to the local church where the sexual abuse and betrayal of trust had taken place. I sought to meet with the church leadership and seek ways in which services from local agencies could be provided. As a traumatologist well versed with working with male victims of sexual abuse, I understood the mountain of clinical issues I was about to climb.

As a clinician I was aware that the victims could be questioning their roles in the abuse. Furthermore, there may be questions of how these sexual assaults may impact their lives and interactions with others in the many years to come. I have the awareness of working with later aged adults who remained psychologically damaged from such acts occurring in their childhood and adolescence.

When I took my concerns to the church leadership, I was met with a wall of silence. When I raised questions regarding the abuse and the wall of silence with my African-American colleagues, I was again met with a wall of silence.

When I raised the issue on the listerv within my professional organization of “good meaning liberal folk,” I was met with a wall of silence. I was ostracized by the leadership as they have now redefined the purpose and use criteria for the listserv.

One of my Caucasian colleagues chided me by commenting indirectly that if I as an African-American clinician am not having success in working with the church hierarchy, what impact could a white organization of good meaning liberals possibly do? Good point and well taken.

During early January 2013 a member of this professional organization that I belong to, Marty Falaberg age 91, passed away peacefully after a long meaningful life. He lived a life devoted to the mental health profession and to the clinical social work community. The listserv was used to extend messages of what this individual meant to the members of the organization.

There were numerous i.e. 17 alludes, acknowledgements and statements regarding his life and the impact he had on those on the listerv. These statements included words from the organization’s leadership.

Yet there is no mention or acknowledgement of the lives of the Invisibles i.e. the African-American boys and adolescents who were sexually abused and traumatized within the local Seattle area.

The leadership of this professional organization has provided numerous articles for its members and equipped its members on how to be available to talk to parents and families of the local communities who may be experiencing psychological stress due to the Sandy Hook Elementary School shootings in Newtown, CT. However the same leadership fails to offer any assistance or words of action, concern or condolences when it comes to the sexual assaults of African-American children and the wellness of their families.

Last month we honored the work of Dr. Martin Luther King. No doubt members of the African-American clergy as well as the leadership of the professional organization I have spoken of will verbalize words of brotherhood and action in Dr. King’s good name as to honor him. However it is in the actions not in words that we remember.

We will remember that the African-American clergy chose silence over action in the protection of its children. We will remember that the professional organization places more meaning and a higher value on its deceased than on the lives of African-American children. We will remember their suffering in silence. Their screams will continue to speak to us.

I acknowledged that it is time to let go of this issue. Letting go is not to be equated with giving up. It simply means it is time to move on with my journey. I have advocated for the “Invisibles.” Their suffering in silence has been heard by others and will continue to be heard.

In “blowing dat horn” and calling for awareness I acknowledge I have created discomfort for members of my professional community and the community in which I reside.

Consequences are responses for actions that we take. Being ostracized and casted out may be the price I pay for calling into question the lack of responsiveness to a beleaguered and vulnerable population. I am willing to pay that price.

However I have belief in my work as a healer, faith in my profession and trust in the journey. All three faucets rained water upon me, nourishing me, and providing me with hope. Hope is eternal. Hope will never die.

The journey continues…

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At the Crossroads: Men of Iron Can Have Tears Too

Originally posted on March 21, 2013

Can a Real Man Express Emotions other than Anger?

One of my favorite actors is Ving Rhames. I have enjoyed his real life hard-hitting spoken lines in the action movies in which he has been featured. He is currently starring in the drama series, Monday Mornings, as Dr. Jorge 'El Gato' Villanueva, the chief of trauma surgery at a fictitious Portland, Oregon hospital. Ving Rhames plays the role of Dr. Villanueva with the same intensity and strength he is known for in his other roles. However, after viewing a recent episode, Rhames’ portrayal of Dr. Villanueva left me significantly disturbed.

In this episode Dr. Villanueva’s son appears at the hospital with a butcher knife protruding from his stomach cavity. The trauma team members immediately go into action to save his life. The scene that sent off my alarm occurred in the intensive care unit while Dr. Villanueva’s son is recovering after many hours of intense surgery. This is the first time Dr. Villanueva has an opportunity to see his son, after a butcher knife was removed from his stomach and the surgical team worked to try to save his life. A potentially monumental scene if you consider all that had just come before it. However, upon waking up from surgery to find his father standing over him, Dr. Villanueva’s son, a young adult male, simply tells his father “don’t cry, okay?” In response Dr. Villanueva stands there silent, emotionless and staring back at his son until the program breaks for commercial.

Wow! What a powerful scene. Can you imagine? One’s child hovering between life and death following the surgical removal of a huge butcher knife from his stomach, and no emotions are expressed?

What a strong portrayal for an African-American actor. No doubt there are many African-American men who would be praising Ving Rhames for his portrayal of Dr. Villanueva in that specific scene. Just closing my eyes and listening I can hear the echoes of men, old and young, saying “I want to be like that; hard, strong and silent. A man of iron. Now, that’s what it is like to be a man, a real man.”

Really? A man of iron? Or just another stereotype of African-American men created by scriptwriters? In a way the portrayal reminds me of Shaft, Superfly and other “cool brothers” being portrayed on the screen in the 70’s & 80’s. Strong, tough, silent and cool. The difference being that the African-American actor has been “promoted” from private detective or drug dealer (violence) to chief of trauma surgery (educated and professional).

We have much to thank the scriptwriters for. In casting Ving Rhames in the role of chief of trauma surgery, the African-American male character although still menacing and feared by colleagues and patients alike is a “good guy.” Times have changed. Or have they? The role taken on by Ving Rhames is a combination of (a) that which is expected and predictable by some, i.e., menacing, strong and fearsome and (b) that which is desired by others, i.e., professional, competent and educated.

Stereotyping is as “old as water and twice as young.” A stereotype can be defined as a widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing. Realistically speaking stereotyping only serves to reinforce the fears that are maintained by the “larger group” i.e. family, community and society.

In the dramatic scene with Ving Rhames’ characters’ son, the dialogue and lack thereof reinforces in African-American men that despite whatever horrifying circumstances (what could be more horrifying than surgery to remove a butcher knife protruding from your child’s stomach?) a “real man” does not cry. No, as stated in the scene, a “real man” stands there and “takes it.” Takes it? Takes what? What the hell does that mean?

A “real man” stands his ground. To express tears is to be weak. A real man does not express his tears nor expose his “weakness.” Wow! That was a powerful scene by Ving Rhames. That was a powerful message that is being sent to African-American men and the young male adolescents following in their footsteps.

Let us not minimize the power of visual and words as both can strongly impact human behavior. In recall of the sensational role of Sidney Poitier as Detective Tibbs in the 1967 dramatic movie In the Heat of Night when Detective Tibbs is being questioned by the racist police chief Bill Gillespie (played by Rod Steiger), when asked by the police chief, “what do they call you boy?” In defiant and assertive response, Sidney Poitier replies, “they call me Mr. Tibbs.”

Living in the segregated South during the time of the film’s release I recalled how life was during those solemn times. The racism that African-Americans endured was within itself humiliating and overwhelming. That one short statement in my opinion served as a lighting rod and energized a disempowered community.

I recalled grown men speaking among themselves with a combination of tears in their eyes and grins on their faces when speaking about that specific scene in the film. That one sentence gave hope to those who felt there was none. That one sentence confirmed and echoed the downfall of segregation as it was known at that time. The film and its powerful dramatization went on to win the Academy Award for Best Picture.

The point being, once again, to illustrate the visual impact on the consciousness and sub consciousness of the viewer. A powerful message can serve to persuade others of specific behaviors not only to be desired, or wanted, but most importantly, to be expected.

As I stated earlier, Ving Rhames is one of my favorite actors. It is unlikely that he performed the scene with the thought in mind of setting the “bar or standard” as to how African-American men are suppose (or not supposed) to respond to their emotions. I have no doubt that he may be an excellent role model. He cannot be held accountable for the choices of others to place limitations on their own emotional responses.

It is my concern that the dramatic expression by Rhames (and similar other examples) will be used as a justification, excuse or affirmation as to why we as African-American men are or should be aloof from our emotions. It is unrealistic to believe that if this had really occurred that Ving Rhames would have been as stoic and tough in the scene as the scriptwriters were portraying Dr. Villanueva.

The scene is so hard, tough and stoic. No doubt Ving Rhames will receive lots of positive feedback for the strength in his betrayal of an African-American man in a professional role. Yet, I would have wished him to appear at the end of the episode to remind the viewing audience that this was merely a script and not the way he would have reacted or responded had it been a real life situation.

However as we know, this is “entertainment” that cannot risk being compromised with a dose of reality at the end of the show. Fat chance. Having Ving Rhames appear at the end of the episode stating “it’s all part of the act” would defeat the purpose of the scriptwriter’s portrayal of the emotionless African-American man and likely confuse those from the viewing audience who have already unconsciously accepted the stereotype as true. Professional and educated; yet, menacing and intimidating. Controlled fury, yet stoic.

Yes indeed. Stereotypes are old as water and twice as young. We as African-American men will continue to be stereotyped as long as a dollar can be achieved in the maintenance of a “fearful viewing public.” Sad and yet, true.

It is therefore up to the individual man to choose for himself the type of person he wants to be as well as to be okay in expressing true emotions such as fear, loss, sadness and tears. It is for the “real men” to advocate for self and model for others, especially younger males, the true qualities of being a man and in doing so give breath and options to the Iron Men being casted before us on television and Hollywood. We must want to define ourselves and openly respond to those images, which clearly do not represent us.

By the way, to answer the question, yes, real men do cry…. I have had the opportunity to do so in recent days and it feels damn good.

Until the next crossroads.

The journey continues.

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At the Crossroads: A Black Man’s Worst Nightmare: Living with a Bulls-eye on your Back. “No Protection for your Complexion”

Originally posted on June 20, 2013

A B C (Angry, Black & out of Control) or Advocacy, Balance &Calmness?

Times have changed. Or have they? It used to be that the old and young were deemed “neutrals” or “innocents” from those seeking the thrill of the hunt? The hunt?

Summer is here. It is that time of year. More of “us” will be out & in the open. It’s open season-- otherwise known as “get black males” documented and placed into the national computer database i.e. NCIC otherwise known as the National Crime Information Center.

Summer is right around the corner. Summer is in the air. Can you feel the changes of the seasons? Fear is here too. Look around yourselves. Maybe you can’t smell it. Nevertheless, it is there.

Who do we fear? Who are they? Answer: Those who are sworn to “protect & serve.” Protect whom? Serve whom? Well that may depend on the following variables:

· The gender of police officer.

· The location of the incident or situation.

· The gender, physical size and color of the individual being questioned by the police officer.

Notice that the variable of age was not included. Age is not a criteria that determines whether an individual will be deemed a citizen worthy of protection and service or determined to be a possible suspect or perpetrator.

In a recent Seattle Times article (3/26/13), a New York City police officer admitted that he had “taunted” an African-American potential suspect who turned out to be an innocent 13 year old teenager. The officer had detained the boy under the New York Police Department’s program of stopping, questioning and frisking people on city streets.

The officer, called as a witness in a civil rights case, conceded that he had told the handcuffed teenager to stop “crying like a little girl.” Another officer involved in the civil suit testified that the teen was stopped because he was walking alone at 10:00 at night. The officer further testified that the teen “reached for his waistband as if he had a gun.”

One of the officers testified when he stopped the teen he “assumed” he was much older because he was tall for his age and out on the street without supervision. The officers also claimed they could not “recall” the teen’s objections to being stopped. However, the officers do selectively “recall” the following:

They claim the teen was “jaywalking” and when stopped, started “yelling and making a scene” and “fighting” when they (the officers) tried to “frisk” him.

The officers handcuffed the teen and in their “legal search” did not find a weapon. The teen was then taken to the police station where he was placed in the police computer database while he waited for his parents to “retrieve” him.

So, it seems like the story has a successful ending if one doesn’t count the fact that the teen sued the city and the police for civil rights violations. The bright side:

· The suspect was not hurt.

· No weapon was found.

· The police were doing their job, securing the suspect without injury or harm to themselves.

· Another suspicious person has been documented and placed into the database for further follow-up in the future.

· A potential crime was averted.

· The “citizens” of the city can move around comfortable knowing that they are being “protected” and “served”.

Wait!! The story does not end there. The teen’s father who arrives to retrieve his son turns out to be a retired police officer.

Somewhat upset, as reported in the article the father got into an argument and “tussle” with the police officers at the station. (As an aside, have you ever wondered why when police officers have altercations with each other, it is referred to as a tussle yet altercations between a police officer and civilian is an assault on a police officer?)

One would wonder why the father may be upset with his fellow brothers/officers when they were simply carrying out their duties? Imagine that? Perhaps the father felt that his status as an “law enforcement officer” extended to his son to some type of special protection or privilege freeing him from being stopped like any other African-American male.

I too am the son of a retired police officer. I remember the pride he had when he put on his uniform and went out to protect and serve the community. I also remember the sense of powerlessness he felt when, due to our complexion, he could not afford the same protection for his children.

Let’s return to “fear is in the air.” The fear that I am writing about is based off of stereotypes. In a previous At the Crossroads i.e. “Men of Iron Can have Tears Too” a stereotype was defined as:

“A widely held, but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing. Realistically speaking, stereotyping only serves to reinforce the fears that are maintained by the “larger group” i.e. family, community, and society.”

Let us be clear about fear. Fear is nothing more than an emotion. Fear is no different than any other emotional response, i.e. happiness, sadness, joy, fright etc. The real issue is how emotions are integrated (internalized) and expressed (externalized).

We must want to understand that fear is here. Fear is here forever. Forever. We have choices of whether we “live in” fear or “live with” fear. It is up for the individual to choose which path he/she will take.

Fear has been given a bad rap. I conceptualize fear as a blessing. In my personal life as an adult male, spouse and father and in my profession as a psychotherapist, I want fear. However, I want to be able to live with fear and not be forced to live my life in fear.

One may say “that Dr. Kane must be out of his mind.” How in the world can fear be viewed as a blessing? As stated before, fear is here. Forever. In understanding this, the individual must want to learn how to “utilize” fear, rather than have fear used against him/her.

Fear provides the individual with the following understanding:

Alone - The individual once outside the residence is “alone” and vulnerable.

Abandon - The individual is at risk of being “abandoned” by the larger group if (when) singled out.

Aware - The individual must want to be “aware” of his surroundings and physical environment.

Alert - The individual must want to be “alert” to presence of others, i.e. personal and emotional safety.

Alive - The individual in following the first four components has improved his or her chances of returning home safe and unharmed.

The police referenced in the Seattle Times article likely represent the thinking of many police departments throughout the United States. In turn, the police departments are in themselves representing the voices of the communities in which they protect and serve.

At any point, the African-American male can be targeted as suspicious or suspect or perpetrator. Again, age is not a factor. The larger group i.e. society lives in fear of the African-American male.

This fear is perpetrated by the stereotypes that are reinforced by the society at large. The idealized society “living in fear” creates indirect permission for African-American men to become “fair game” and vulnerable at any time to being stopped, questioned, searched, handcuffed and jailed, without regard to guilt or innocence.

As I stated earlier, age is not a factor. Two years ago, three police officers viewed me with obvious suspicion when late at night following a dinner engagement I stood outside a coffeehouse in the University Village, a predominately white community in Seattle.

Instead of walking out together each officer followed the other in single file 15 seconds apart as to provide “cover” for each other. As each walked passed me, they all gave me the full stare accompanied with their hand on their weapon “at the ready.” Regrettably, a year or so earlier an African-American male shot and killed three police officers as they sat in a coffeehouse.

The officers’ behavior towards me that evening demonstrated that they were living in fear. It was also clear to me that without any fault or actions of my own that my life was now at risk. Furthermore, my behavior or the actions I was to take in the next few seconds would determine whether I was able to come home safely to my loved ones. As the officers passed me, I took the following actions:

· I did not physically move.

· I had both hands outward away from my body.

· I minimized the amount of direct eye contact.

· I relaxed my personal space and allowed them to “control” the situation.

As the police officers passed by me, not a word was verbalized. They moved slowly towards their vehicles, entering and drove away. I believed my actions either saved my life or prevented me from involvement in a tussle by another name had I made any movement that the officers felt placed them at risk.

I was not armed nor have I ever carried a weapon with the exception of military service. In serving my country I provided a sense of security for others to be able to walk free without fear of police intimidation in their communities; a freedom that I continued to be denied 40 years following my honorable discharge from military service.

The fact that at the time, I was a 57 year old, gray haired and balding University of Washington lecturer across the street from where I stood was not a question, concern or factor. The main fact was that I was “out of place” in the wrong community (white) and at the wrong time (late night) and therefore, it was determined that I was of the complexion that did not warrant protection – yet, viewed as though others may have needed protection from me.

By “playing the game smarter and not harder,” I was able to come home safely without being bruised, shot or jailed.

In considering “Fear as A Blessing” I propose the following framework to assist the individual to be able to “live with fear”. It is called The Five R’s of Relief.

· Respite -step aside,(step aside, not back) and take a long deep breath.

· Reaction-it is “your” reaction; the individual must “want to” own it.

· Reflection-internalize, process, (ie think & feel) what is going in within your internalized self.

· Response- is what you share with the externalize world. The reaction you have (own it) and response you provide (share it) “must” not be the same.

· Review- refers to the formal or informal assessment or examination of the incident and/or actions taken.

· For additional information regarding this framework please view the Beacon “The Five R’s of Relief:
Unmasking Fear at the Crossroads, Responding to the Imposter Syndrome.”

The teen’s civil rights law suit as referenced in the Seattle Times may or may not be resolved in the young male’s favor. A financial award in his favor may compensate him for the incident. However, it will not soothe the pain, nor replace or erase the memory of the traumatic experience.

What is real is that he will have to live with the experience of being traumatized, taunted and harassed by law enforcement who most people are taught to trust and respect. This young adolescent learned the same valuable lesson that is learned by thousands of other adolescents of the same complexion. Being no longer a child, “I am no longer cute or handsome. Due to no action of my own, I am to be feared.”

We must not want to buy into the stereotypes of another. Nor do we want to live our lives “in fear”. We can choose to live with fear. To do so, we must want to play the game “smarter” not “harder.”

It is our choice whether we are the Angry Black man, out of Control, or the assertive Advocate, psychologically Balanced and able to achieved Calmness. It is up to the individual whether to focus on the journey and not allow others to impede his right to achieve one’s destination.

“I’m a kid. I’m going home. Leave me alone.”

As stated earlier, fear is here. Forever.

At the next Crossroads: Playing the Game Smarter not Harder.

The journey continues…

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At the Crossroads: Race & Power: The Struggle for Self Esteem & Self-Validation

Originally posted on July 14, 2013

Staying Calm Everyday May Keep the Jailhouse and Judge Away

Recently I had an experience which typifies why we as African-American men want to balance being vigilant with maintaining our calm on a daily basis. The experience occurred in Seattle, Washington, in the neighborhood where I maintain my practice.

To provide some background information, my office is located in a hybrid commercial and residential community approximately 15 minutes east of downtown Seattle known as Madison Park. I have practiced in this same location for more than 25 years.

The day was like any other typical day. After leaving my office, I ran a few errands in the neighborhood, visited the bank and then waited for the transit bus in this plush, upper class community just inland from Lake Washington. The neighborhood is informally referred to as the “Gold Coast” due to the significant wealth in the area.

As one of the few African-Americans frequenting the local bank, restaurants and other business, I have grown accustomed to the numerous looks and stares I receive while moving about the community. I know my money is as good others in the community and I have the right to move about and handle my affairs undisturbed. Other than the occasional lingering stare, I am left alone.

So on this particular day after completing my affairs, I entered the bus and showed my bus transfer to the driver who, like me, was an African-American male.

As I proceeded to sit down, the driver suddenly demanded that I return and show him my bus transfer again. I was puzzled as to why, being that the transfer had 45 minutes left prior to expiring.

Upon presenting the transfer for the second time, I asked the driver whether he had any questions.

Laughing loudly he replied, “no, I don’t have any questions, but I am going to let you go this time.”

I was shocked. Puzzled, I was wondering what did he mean by, “ I am going to let you go this time?” When I asked for his name, he replied, in a loud laughing manner, “You ought to chill out and not take things so seriously.”

His voice and laughter were loud. He comments to me where so loud that they could be heard by sitting passengers as well as those approaching the bus. I was angry. I had been publicly humiliated due to no cause or actions of my own.

The following questions came to me:

· Why was this happening to me?

· What do I do now?

· Do I ignore this insult?

· If so, what does this say about me?

· How do I handle this?

· All of this about a bus transfer?!

One thought repeatedly came to me…ABC…ABC…ABC…angry, black, and (out) of control. I could visualize myself being handcuffed, taken off the bus, placed in the back of a police car, taken to jail, being fingerprinted, booked and off to be arraigned before the judge. Another one (i.e., black man) locked down. Society is once again safe from the raging, blazing black man.

Fear. Fear is a powerful emotion. Fear can be the African-American man’s best friend during these times. Fear, for the African-American man, can serve as a reminder that he is alone. Fear can keep him alert of his situation, aware of his surroundings and most important, alive. I want fear. I want to stay alive. Age 60 is right around the corner.

The next actions I take (or don’t) could have a strong impact on the rest of my life.

· Do I walk away? Or do I advocate for myself?

· Do I surrender to behavior that reinforces the negative stereotypes perceived of black men? Or do I seek balance in my life?

· Can I resolve this issue in a manner that does not place me at further risk of harm? Danger?

Just imagine; all of these thoughts are moving swiftly through my mind in a matter of moments. It feels like an eternity. Fear. I don’t want to “live in” fear. I want to be able to “live with” fear.

I chose to create and follow another set of ABC’s. Advocacy, balance and calm. Specifically, I wanted to advocate for myself, return balance to the psychological self, and be able to accomplish both in a calm manner that would minimize further disruption.

As I departed the bus, I handed my business card to the transit operator and told him that I was filing a formal complaint against him and wanted him to know who made the complaint.” As I walked away, the transit operator pulled the bus to keep pace with me, opened the door and threw my business card on the sidewalk where it landed slightly in front of me.

I have since filed a formal complaint detailing the driver’s comments and behavior on that ordinary day. It is unclear as to what, if any actions Metro Transit will take regarding this matter. However, for me, I have managed to bring the issue to closure in a healthy manner without placing myself at further risk, harm or potential jeopardy of losing my freedom. Once again the question, all of this over a bus transfer?

No. To the conscious person it “appears” to be unprofessional conduct associated with a bus transfer. However, the transfer was the bait the driver used to set up a power trap. The real issues are about race, power (or the lack of), and lack of self-esteem and self-validation.

It is my belief that the driver targeted me specifically because like him I am an African-American alone and perceivably isolated within a Caucasian community. I believe that the driver’s act of demanding a second inspection of the bus transfer was a pretense to reinforce his self-esteem and showcase his “power” to the other passengers.

Of course there is no way I can prove this belief to be true. I can only go with what I feel based on this experience and similar past experiences. Whether right or wrong about the driver’s motivations, the point is that I was at risk by simply using public transportation. Yet, the potential danger was not a result of unruly passengers or unsafe driving conditions. Rather, the danger arose from the person designated to drive passengers to destinations throughout the city.

Just imagine leaving your home on a sunny afternoon day, minding your business and meandering through your errands while quietly humming your favorite song to yourself. Abruptly, and without warning, life as you know it, including your livelihood is placed at risk as you simply attempt to ride the bus. On the surface some might consider this perspective a paranoid overreaction.

No, I am not crazy, nor am I paranoid. I am vigilant. Yes, I was at risk not so much because I was made to get out of my seat and suffer mild humiliation to give another a sense of self-importance. The risk came from how I chose to respond. The varying ways I could have reacted to the situation could strongly and negatively impact my future and my freedom.

Professional, college educated, published author and nationally recognized in my clinical field, and although I have never been arrested, my livelihood and freedom became dependent on how I handled myself in managing something as seemingly innocuous as using a bus transfer.

I thank my Jesus that I was able to recall my “empowerment.” As a clinician I write “beacons” which are frameworks for the Journey known as life. One such beacon is the Five R’s i.e. Respite, Reaction, Reflection, Response and Reevaluate. It goes like this:

· Respite - step aside, breath, take a time out;

· Reaction - take ownership of your feelings;

· Reflection - think, feel and listen to the psychological self;

· Response – present to the external world what is needed to minimize risk. Your reaction and response need not be the same.

· Reevaluate-review the experience. Explore what was learned and what can be done when a similar incident occurs again.

I feel for the driver. Perhaps there is a need for self-importance. Perhaps this is about dealing with his own anger about being abused by others as he operates the bus. It may be that he has a need to make himself feel validated and powerful by targeting others.

If nothing is learned from this, the driver may return to the same route (or another) with the same anger and lack of power. If so, the driver will no doubt lie in wait with his bait to abuse another unsuspecting passenger whose only mistake was to ride his bus on that fateful day. Just another day. I wonder whether the driver will be more cautious in selecting his next prey.

I get it. I got it. Mr. Driver, I understand and share your pain. As an African-American man, I understand the importance of looking in the mirror and to have self-respect for the “reflection” staring at you. I understand the pain you feel about being disrespected by others. I too have the same questions that you have, i.e. what about the bullshit I had to put up with today. And what bullshit will I have to put up with tomorrow?

However, the empowerment of self-esteem and self-validation one seeks must come within the psychological self. When such is obtained externally through the subjection, submission and humiliation of others, the taste of “satisfaction” is shortly nourished and thus always in demand of being replenished.

As for me, my Jesus was with me that day. I was able to advocate for myself, maintain my balance and do both in a calm manner. Yet, I wonder, what about next time? Will I be so blessed?

Will I be able to maintain my freedom, my livelihood and future? This time the risk or danger i.e. “the bait” was a bus transfer. I wonder what the “bait” will be next time.

I am truly blessed. Tonight I am sitting in my home, relaxing on my couch and preparing for a new day.

Tomorrow is a new day. I wonder whether I will be here on the couch tomorrow or will I be sitting in a jail cell waiting to go to court to be arraigned before a judge.

ABC… abc…angry, black and (out) of control, or ABC…abc…advocacy, balance and calm.

Fear. Live in fear or live with fear. A few more days and counting to my 60^th birthday. Will I be able to stay away from jail…the judge?

Tomorrow is another day. Walk with me Jesus. Walk with me. Just for another day.

Until the next crossroads.

The journey continues…
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At the Crossroads: The Choice of Living in Fear or Living with Fear

In fear or with fear? You must choose.

In the “At the Crossroads” writing, A Black Man’s Worst Nightmare: Living with a Bulls-eye on your Back “No Protection for your Complexion,” I gave an example of my experience of dealing with the police who were suspicious of me due to being out of place (at night walking in a white community). In the telling of my experience, I provided recommendations to others as to how to handle themselves should they find themselves in a similar situation.

I recently received some feedback from an African-American colleague who had read the article. In her response she shared the following:

"You were talking about the experience where you were not guilty or intending anything negative, but where you were 'out of your expected place' and therefore appeared to be a threat.

But what about all the young males and black men who are seen as a threat 'in place'? What about the young black males who have teachers that show fear of their disruption when they are in their schools? What about those who are stopped and questioned on or near their playgrounds, on the blocks, where they live or while they are playing in front of their homes? What about those boys? Does it make it easier to take and accept if the unfounded suspicion only comes in other settings?"

My colleague’s remarks have encouraged me to examine the concept of fear. There is a huge difference between being a 57-year old man who is “out of place” and an 11-year-old boy on the playground or sitting in his yard.

Is it easier to accept when the suspicion comes in other settings than it is for a child who experiences his teacher showing fear of him? The writer has raised strong points. It is possible that one can provide recommendations as to what society, community, family and black men can do to assist resolving this issue of “no protection for my complexion on the playground or in the front yard”.

My preference as a clinician is to focus on the individual. The goal would be to teach the young child or adolescent skills that would reinforce self-esteem, self worth, self-validation, self-regard, self-confidence and self-competence. The objective would be to create a sense of healthy narcissism, that being the understanding, acceptance and commitment to the following belief and value of “as much as I love you, I love myself more. More.”

The 57-year-old African-American man walking in the white community and the 11-year-old boy playing either at the playground or in his front yard share several variables in common.

· We live, work and play among people who fear us for the color of our skin and our gender.

· We are being taught to either dislike (hate), devalue and distrust ourselves.

· We are trained that the wants of others such as the community, church and family are prioritized over our own.

· We are taught to love others. We are not taught how to “love the self.”

We learn these lessons from within our community. These are constantly being reinforced at school, work, television, movies and involvement in day-to-day activities. We are looked upon with fear, suspicion and distrust by those who teach us and later work among us. We learn our lessons well when we succeed in maintaining similar fear, suspicion and distrust among ourselves.

Out of these lessons come the one mighty variable that keeps the oldest and the youngest of us in the state of survival, which is the art of learning to “live in fear”. We make the common mistake of focusing on those in positions of control such as teachers and police and give them undeserved importance based on their apparent authority. As we focus on “them” we succeed in reinforcing their power and in doing so, we are successful in not focusing on “us” and building our “empowerment”.

In assisting our young men and women to empower themselves, we must want to accept the realities that others will for one reason or another always be suspicious and fearful of the psychological self that lives within us. We must want to understand and accept that their suspicion and fear is about “them” and how they feel. We must want to relieve ourselves of the pressure and frustrations that work to consume the psychological self and in doing so take away the opportunities for self-empowerment.

We must want to learn to “live with fear.” As I have stated in earlier writings, fear is good. We have been taught that fear is bad, a statement for the weak and therefore, fear is to be avoided and denied. Yet fear is just another emotion. Fear is just another feeling.

To be able to live with fear, one must be willing to own his/her feelings of fear. One must want to embrace fear because… my fear is mine and mine alone. No one but me can touch it or feel it. Specifically, it is up to the individual as to how he/she conceptualizes his or her fear.

To be successful in this endeavor, the individual must want to “transform” the teachings of society, community and family in prioritizing loving the self first. The larger group (i.e. family, community, society) will frame this as “an act of selfishness.”

It is essential for the individual to understand that he/she and not the larger group holds the keys towards empowering and maintaining one’s psychological and emotional health and well-being. If living in fear or living without acknowledgement that which lies within is not a priority of the larger group, then we must be willing to question why.

This writing is not suggesting that we should not be afraid or let go of our fear. To let go of one’s fear would be tantamount to slicing away a part of the psychological self. Fear, as with happiness, joy or sorrow is nothing more than a feeling or an emotion. To suggest to someone to simply “don’t be afraid” would be similar to forcing the individual to maintain a falsehood.

Closing Remarks

The focus on this writing was in one way to respond to the lack of empowerment that a child may feel when being viewed as a threat within his community, school or neighborhood. The words expressed by my female African American colleague reflect the frustrations of many others regarding a sense of hopelessness or powerlessness as young boys and adolescents prepare to enter a world that fears them - not for an action, just for being male and black.

What we can do as individuals is teach young boys and adolescents the concept of living with fear instead of accepting the common thread of living in fear. This can be achieved by understanding the concept of healthy narcissism and its sub concepts, which include prioritizing loving the self.

It has taken this writer the willingness and wantonness to explore this path and in doing so experience the journey of self-discovery. I have found that with living with fear I have come to truly understand the concept of loving the self and in turn, loving me more.

Living in fear or living with fear. The choice is yours.

Loving the Self

As much as I love you

I love me more.

Loving me more does not mean

I love you less.

It only means

I love me more

More…

Until the next Crossroads.

The journey continues….

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At the Crossroads: Suffering in Silence: the Pain of Domestic Violence

What the hell?! This is a story, a novel, right?

“The son wishes to remember what the father wishes to forget.”

Yiddish Proverb

I recall a time many years ago about a man living downstairs in my building who would come home and physically beat his wife. Although this was a time in which one “minds one’s business,” my father, after hearing the fighting day after day, one day asked him why did he hit his wife. The man’s response was that “if I didn’t beat her, she would feel that I did not love her.”

I remember the nights of placing my hands over my ears to muffle out her screams as I attempted to sleep. I remember my parents acting as they had heard nothing. I remember the gossiping of the ladies as they talked about the beating Harriet got that night.

I remember the silence of the men folk who shunned the person doing the battering. I would ask my father why did the men not come together and talk to him. He would tell me to hush; it was not their business. Yet I could feel his anger and shame.

These distant memories of a time long ago are reawakened by a book I'm re-reading. The novel Mama, published by Terry McMillan in 1987, tells the story of Mildred, mother of five, black and dealing with the jealous rampages of her husband, Crook.

I had barely begin reading and was in the midst of chapter one when Crook, in a drunken state as he is beating his spouse Mildred with a belt, states:

“Didn’t I tell you, you was getting too grown?” Whap. (The sound of the belt). “Don’t you know your place yet, girl?” Whap. “Don’t you know nothing about respect?” Whap. “Girl, you gon’ learn. I’m a man, not a toy.” Whap. “You understand me.” Whap. "Make me look like a fool.” Whap. (p.8)

I am shocked. I want to put the book down and yet I choose to continue. I must continue. As I read on, I see that Crook has thrown the belt onto the floor and collapsed next to Mildred on the bed, going to sleep. Now, I am really just amazed. This man has just given his spouse a stiff ass whipping and he is brazen enough to lie next to her and go to sleep? What the hell? This is a story, a novel, right?

Reading on I see that Mildred gets up and heads for the kitchen. I say to myself, there is going to be hell to pay; the devil is going to get his due.

She yanks the black skillet out and slung the grease into the sink. Before he knew what was happening, Mildred raised the heavy pan into the air and charged into him, hitting him on the forehead with a loud throng. Blood ran down over his eye and he grabbed her and pushed back into the bedroom. The kids heard them bumping into the wall for seemed like forever and then they heard nothing at all. (p.9)

The kids?! They did this with the children being present or within distance to hear? Everything? What the hell? This is a story, a novel, right?

Freda hushed the girls and made them huddle under a flimsy flannel blanket on the bottom bunk bed. “Shut up, before they hear us and we’ll be next” she whispered loudly. She tried to comfort the two youngest, Angel and Doll, by wrapping them inside her skinny arms, but it was no use. They couldn’t stop crying. None of them understood any of this, but when they heard the mattress squeaking, they knew what was happening. (p.9)

Let me see if I understand this. The drunken husband, Crook beats his wife. Mildred in turn hits him on the forehead with a skillet causing blood to run. Both are now in the bedroom engaging in sexual intercourse. The children are in the next room traumatized and listening to their parents engaging in sexual intercourse. What the hell?! This is a story, a novel, right?

And what about the impact on the children?

Money ran from his room into Freda’s. When Money couldn’t stand it any more, he tiptoed back to his room. He flipped over his mattress, because the fighting always made him lose control of his bladder. He would say his prayers extra hard and swear that when he got older and got married he would never beat his wife; he wouldn’t care what she did. He would leave first.(p.9)

Wow. The boy is so traumatized that he loses control and wets the bed? Then he prays extra hard. The behavior continues to repeat itself. There is no change. Is God listening? What the hell?! This is a story, a novel, right?

Damn. What about the other children? Freda, and her little sisters. Angel & Doll, they are babies.

The girls slid into their respective bunks and lay there, not moving to scratch or even twitch. They tried to inch into their separate dreams but the sound of creaking grew louder and louder, then faster and faster. “Why they try to kill each other, then do the nasty?” Bootsey asked Freda. “Mama don’t like doing it,” Freda explained. “She only doing it so Daddy won’t hit her no more.”

Sounds like she like it to me. It’s taking forever,” said Bootsey. Angel and Doll didn’t know what they were talking about. “Just go to sleep,” Freda said. And pretty soon the noises stopped and their eyelids drooped and they fell asleep.”(p.10)

So what do the children learn from this experience? After fighting with your husband, you force yourself to have sex with him. You do this so you can avoid being beaten again. What the hell?! This is a story, a novel, right?

Yes. This is a story. A true story, which is occurring everyday within the African-American community. Below are a number of statistics that speak to Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) in the African American Community. This information is made available through the Institute on Domestic Violence in the African-American Community (IDVAAC).

· In a nationally representative survey conducted in 1996, 29% of African American women and 12% of African American men reported at least one instance of violence from an intimate partner.

· African Americans account for a disproportionate number of intimate partner homicides. In 2005, African Americans accounted for almost 1/3 of the intimate partner homicides in this country.

· Black women comprise 8% of the U.S. population but in 2005 accounted for 22% of the intimate partner homicide victims and 29% of all female victims of intimate partner homicide.

· Intimate partner homicides among African Americans have declined sharply in the last 30 years. Partner homicides involving a black man or black woman decreased from a high of 1529 in 1976 to 475 in 2005, for a total decline of 69%.

· Intimate partner deaths have decreased most dramatically among black men. From 1976-1985, black men were more likely than black women to be a victim of domestic homicide; by 2005, black women were 2.4 times more likely than a black male to be murdered by their partners. Over this period, intimate partner homicides declined by 83% for black men vs.55% for black women.

BE AWARE OF THE RISK FACTORS FOR INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE (IPV)

Intimate partner violence among African Americans is related to economic factors, and happens more frequently among couples that:

· Have lower incomes.

· Where the male partner is underemployed or unemployed.

· In couples where the male is not seeking work.

· In couples that reside in very poor neighborhoods, regardless of the couple’s income.

Relational Risk Factors

· Alcohol problems (drinking, binge drinking, dependency) are more frequently related to intimate partner violence for African Americans than for whites or Hispanics.

· As with other abusive men, African American men who batter are higher in jealousy and the need for power and control in the relationship.

· As with women of other races, among African American women killed by their partner, the lethal violence was more likely to occur if there had been incidents in which the partner had used or threatened to use a weapon on her and/or the partner has tried to choke or strangle her.

· Among African American women killed by their partner, almost half were killed while in the process of leaving the relationship, highlighting the need to take extra precautions at that time.

· Among African American women who killed their partner, almost 80% had a history of abuse.

FAMILIARIZE & UNDERSTAND THE IMPACT OF ABUSE

Black women who are battered differed in the following ways than black women without the history of abuse in that they often:

· have more physical ailments,

· have mental health issues,

· are less likely to practice self sex

· are more likely to abuse substances during pregnancy

Black women who are battered are at greater risk

· for attempting suicide

· of history of being abused as a child

· for being depressed

· suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

LEARN ABOUT THE DYNAMICS OF ABUSE

Domestic violence re-occurs.

· In a large sample of battered black women, in about half the cases in which abuse happened, the violence did not happen again.

· However, over 1/3 of women reporting abuse had at least one other incident of severe domestic violence in the same year

· And one in six experienced another less severe act of domestic violence

Women attempt to leave abusive relationships.

· Seventy to eighty percent of abused black women left or attempted to leave the relationship.

Women in abusive relationship need the support of friends and family.

· Battered black women who reported that they could rely on others for emotional and practical support were less like to be re-abused, showed less psychological distress and were less likely to attempt suicide.

CHILDREN LEARN FROM THEIR LESSONS WELL FROM THEIR PARENTS

Teen Dating Violence

Black youth are over represented as victims of teen dating violence. In a 2003 national study of high school students

· Almost 14% of African American youth (vs. 7% of white youth) reported that a boyfriend or girlfriend had “hit, slapped or physically hurt them on purpose” in the last year

· Boys (13.7%) and girls (14%) were almost equally likely to report being a victim of dating violence

Concluding Remarks

With some many new and current publications by African-American writers, it is unclear for me as to why I chose to return to the past to read Mama again. I feel truly blessed that I did pick up the book and continue to be captivated by the pain and suffering that occurred during my childhood as well as the reality that the same pain and suffering continues today.

During my parents’ day, the mindset was keep to your own business. That was the norm back then. Shame on them. There can be no justification or excuse for intimate partner violence. Furthermore, there is no justification or excuse for YOU to do nothing if you observe or know that this unacceptable behavior is occurring to a friend, coworker or family member.

It is great news, a true blessing that the number of partner homicides in the African-American community has dramatically decreased 69% (1529 in 1976 to 475 in 2005). However, one death from partner homicide is one too many. One child traumatized, and having to go throughout life without a parent due to the homicide by the other parent is simply more than our community can bear or tolerate.

Take action. Speak up. Follow the framework as developed by Dr. Micheal Kane. Do the RITE Thing!

The RITE Thing

R = Recognize- The person is in danger.

I = Intervention- Provide assistance. Identify resources.

T = Transform- Take action. Ensure safety.

E = Empowerment- Look towards the tomorrow. Plan and work towards the future

For more information regarding domestic violence victim services and treatment services for batterers that may be available within your local community contact:

· The local domestic violence hotline

· The local community crisis clinic

· The local United Way agency

· The local state office responsible for the welfare of children, youth and families.

· The local police or law enforcement agency

It was in my parent’s generation and those preceding them that they were taught to mind their own business. Today is not that day. We can and we must do different.

A wise person learns from his/her mistakes, make corrections and finds the right path; the foolish one will continue without direction, never finding the road even when it is in front of his/her face. (Ten Flashes of Light for the Journey of Life, Micheal Kane).

“SUFFERING IN SILENCE”

To end the suffering

We must no longer be silent.

If we do not speak,

It is a certainty that no one will listen.

Words will never arise from silence

Speak.

---Dr. Micheal Kane

Empower. Empower her. Empower him.

Empower Self.

The journey continues…..

Loving Me More

At The Crossroads

At The Crossroads: Victory at the London 2012 Olympics: Is it all about the Hair?

Suffering In Silence

The Three Wise Monkeys: See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Speak No Evil: The Invisibles

Decision Point: The Well Designed Road or The Unlit Path?

Lay My Brother Down (Gently)

Living During Difficult Times, The Focus is on the Journey, not the Destination.

At the Crossroads: Men of Iron Can Have Tears Too

Can a Real Man Express Emotions other than Anger?

At the Crossroads: A Black Man’s Worst Nightmare: Living with a Bulls-eye on your Back. “No Protection for your Complexion”

A B C (Angry, Black & out of Control) or Advocacy, Balance &Calmness?

At the Crossroads: Race & Power: The Struggle for Self Esteem & Self-Validation

Staying Calm Everyday May Keep the Jailhouse and Judge Away

At the Crossroads: The Choice of Living in Fear or Living with Fear

At the Crossroads: Suffering in Silence: the Pain of Domestic Violence

BE AWARE OF THE RISK FACTORS FOR INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE (IPV)

Relational Risk Factors

FAMILIARIZE & UNDERSTAND THE IMPACT OF ABUSE

LEARN ABOUT THE DYNAMICS OF ABUSE

CHILDREN LEARN FROM THEIR LESSONS WELL FROM THEIR PARENTS

The RITE Thing

“SUFFERING IN SILENCE”

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