The Visible Man: Being True to Yourself While Balancing Feelings of Loss During the Holiday Season

Dear Visible Man,
I recently lost a loved one.  This is my first holiday season without my beloved.  I am not feeling the holiday cheer. I feel like I have to fake the “spirit” i.e. jolliness and laughter.  I don’t want to be a downer and rain on others.  Got any suggestions on getting through this?

Lacking The Spirit,  Seattle, WA

Dear Fellow Traveler,

     This portion of the year is heavy on those of us who have loved ones who are no longer physically among us.  As we enjoy time with the living, we can hold tight to our memories of the deceased. There is plenty of understanding to be had in your journey. But first:   

•  Be kind to the self.
• Instead of attempting to get “through this,” seek balance in your journey.
•  Embrace your feelings instead of distancing yourself from your emotions.

      As the holiday season and celebrations approach, you may be consciously or unconsciously preparing the psychological self to react to the grief associated with your loss.  There is the tendency to believe that you are alone, even when you are with others.  Rest assured that many are having the same experiences, but like you, may have chosen not to communicate or share what they are feeling. 

     Grief can be viewed as the deep sorrow that is caused by the loss of a loved one.  In anticipating the grief that is coming, the individual can chose to either react or respond. 

     When one reacts, there may be a sense of lack of control.  But, should the individual choose to respond instead, he or she may place the psychological self in a position in which he or she is strategizing and thus able to be empowered.

     So how does one respond to anticipatory grief?

Stay in balance (and in tune) with your emotions.

• Don’t focus on controlling your emotions or how you feel.  If tears are building within, have the willingness to express them.
•  Don’t “man up”!  Allow yourself to focus on your human qualities.  Understand there may be feelings of disappointment, frustrations and delays.
•  Be willing to share feelings of sadness with others.  Instead of seeking ways of distracting yourself from the pain, acknowledge and process it. In sharing with others, you are working to let go of or balance the feelings that are there.
• Give yourself permission to take a “time out” interacting with or entertaining others.  Be willing to give yourself permission to spend time alone with your thoughts and feelings.

 Take care of your (physical) self.

• Avoid overeating & drinking alcohol as coping mechanisms.
• Eat and enjoy regular balanced meals.
• Eat something nutritious before attending a social party.
• Never drink alcohol on an empty stomach.  Be aware that alcohol, even combined with  snacks, can still be dangerous.
• Focus on rest (naps) and maintaining regular sleeping patterns.
• Create a reasonable exercise program.
• If feeling rushed, stop and breathe deeply and slowly.  Take the breath from down in the diaphragm.  This will allow immediate feelings of relaxation.

Take care of your (psychological) self.

• Pay attention to the psychological self.
• Spend time alone.  Take time for meditation, massage or relaxation.
• Spend time with friends in normal settings.
• If feelings of depression or anxiety are overwhelming, schedule time for counseling and reflection with a counselor or mental health professional.

      In responding, be sure to reflect not only on what was lost, but also the joy that you had from the loving relationship. Please keep in mind the following:

“When you react, the situation has a hold on you.  When you respond, you have empowered yourself to be reflective and seek balance in the situation.”

We focus on the journey and not the destination.

The Visible Man

The Visible Man: Mistaken Identity: Wisdom, And Not Strength, Is The Key To Successful Relationships

Dear Visible Man,

     My woman and I are both in our twenties and have been together for some time.  We are now considering getting married.  However, I am in a serious conflict with her in that she does not want to say the words “honor and obey” in the wedding ceremony. 

     We were both raised up in the church.  I believe that as the head of my household, it is important that my spouse respects me and follow the road in life that I will walk and support the home that I will make for us.

     I have read your website.  You seem to be a strong black man and the head of your household. Do you have any words you want to share?  Maybe she will listen to a neutral person.

Still Waiting
Seattle, WA

Dear YOUNG MAN,

     First, I want to congratulate you for having the wish and desire to take the journey of matrimony.  The marital bond/contract is not to be taken lightly, as creating a lifelong relationship is one of the most serious commitments you will make in your life. 

     I find it interesting that in reading my website, you would find my opinion worthwhile in this decision process. Your review of my website has led you to believe that I am a strong man and the head of my household.  

     The reason I am curious about your beliefs is that the website doesn't speak to my personal beliefs, but to my professional aspirations and clinical interests.

     In addition, your writing seems to affirm my “neutrality," but there is an underlying assumption that I would be in agreement with your position.  Such an assumption would deflate any perception of my supposed neutrality.  

     That being said, I will, as you requested, write a response to your concerns. HOWEVER, I will address my response specifically to you and NOT to your bride to be. If I were to make any recommendations to your fiancée, it would be: “listen to the psychological self.” 

So in speaking directly to you, let’s clarify the issues:

·      There is conflict because your fiancée is either reluctant, hesitant, or outright refusing to utter the words “honor and obey” as a featured part of your martial vows.

·      There is an internalized belief system that as the man, you are the head of the household.

·      Other internalized beliefs include a need for your spouse to respect you and follow your road in life and support the home you will make for your family.

     In researching marital vows that are similar to what you are seeking, I came across the Form of Matrimony, which originated in 1662 and was revised in 1928.  The words to be spoken by the groom are different from those being spoken by the bride.  It follows:

Groom- “I take thee (name of bride), to be my lawful wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish, till death us do part, according to God’s holy ordinance and thereto I plight thee my troth.”

Bride-“I take thee (name of groom), to be my lawful wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish and to obey, till death us do part, according to God’s holy ordinance and thereto I plight thee my troth.”

     In 1980, the words were revised and left to be identical for both groom and bride with the exception of "to love and to cherish." The groom now says “to love, cherish, and worship” and the bride continues to say “love, cherish, and obey.”

     In 2000, the vows in Common Worship was changed to have both groom and bride to state “to love and to cherish,” but it was left to the bride and groom to choose whether to add “obey” when the bride makes her vows.

     YOUNG MAN, the key concept in the 2000 revision is the choice of the bride to replace the clause and include “obey” if she so desires.  Your bride to be clearly does not desire to do so.  The key questions to ask yourself are the:

·      Why is it important that my spouse obey me?   Why do I need her to obey?

·      Why am I not listening to her wants?

·      What does the unwillingness to listen to her wants indicate about potential conflicts in our relationship as husband and wife?

     YOUNG MAN, I would encourage you to examine your concepts regarding “leadership, strength and head of household.” A wise person has the humility to listen to the words of his/her spouse.  A wise person acknowledges not only his/her strengths, but also his/her weaknesses.

     Furthermore, A wise person does not seek leadership based on gender; it is in one’s wisdom that leadership in the household is a shared commitment by two individuals, who have made that contract to God and each other, and witnessed by their family and friends, to honor, love and cherish until death do them part.

     YOUNG MAN, a wise person does not seek respect from another or seek to fulfill a “need” for obedience.  A wise person understands that respect lies within the self. If the source of respect comes from another, then it can just as easily be taken away.

     Respect from a loved one is earned and not demanded via obedience.  A wise person understands that the sense of security that lies within a relationship based on mutual earned respect is strong and will be there during the hard and difficult days that will lie ahead. 

Take the time to ask yourself the following questions:

·      If marriage is a lifetime commitment, why am I willing to obligate my relationship to a structure that is guaranteed to work towards its failure?

·      As I look around my community, what are the structures that reinforce marriage instead of weakening it?

·      Am I willing to let go of past teachings and seek another structure that may reinforce my relationship?

·      Do I want a life of leader/follower?  Or am I willing to consider a structure that is different?

     YOUNG MAN, for you to be successful in your marital walk and to find the life and the security in the relationship that you seek, have the willingness to want to stop “living in fear.” Instead of walking a “road” that was created by others, have the willingness to create for yourself and your bride a new path, one that is yours and yours alone—a path that you can be proud of.

     Have the willingness to view your marital relationship as one of equals in the journey.  Instead of obedience, seek partnership.  Instead of your word being “law,” strive for openness in communication, reinforcing the freedom of its flow.  Seek out strategies that will lead to a healthy and vibrant relationship.

     Focus on teamwork as your approach to problems.  Be willing to not only expose your strengths, but your weaknesses as well.  Let it be known to her that the both of you are signing up for this lifetime contract.   Be willing to enter into this blessed union with all eyes open and everything out on the table for both parties to see and comment.

     YOUNG MAN, I leave you with these words: have the willingness to be exposed and vulnerable to your mate.  Are you prepared for the journey following matrimony that lies ahead? 

     It is wise to question the wisdom of marriage in this time of your life.  Continue your walk and in doing so, focus on the experience, and not the destination.  If you seek lifelong commitment with a person in this journey, seek to broaden the meaning of what you want in your martial relationship. 

     If you truly are seeking obedience in your relationship, perhaps more consideration should be given towards the marital contract as well as to the reluctance of your bride to be.

A wise person learns from his/her mistakes, makes corrections and finds the right path; the foolish one will continue without direction, never finding the road even when it is in front of his/her face. 

-Ten Flashes of Light for the Journey of Life 

The Visible Man

At the Crossroads: Fear of the Unknown: Walking the Same Road & Expecting a Different Outcome

     Where, o where, have the black men gone? O where, o where can they be?

     Answer:  According to the Sentencing Project, a Washington D.C. based group that advocates for sentencing reform, one in every three black males born today can expect to go to prison at some point in their life, compared with one in every six Latino males, and one in every 17 white males.  The advocacy group adds:

“Racial minorities are more likely than white Americans to be arrested.  Once arrested, they are more likely to be convicted; and once convicted, they are more likely to face stiff sentences.”

     Now, the problem becomes enlarged when the groups involved play “the blame/shame game.”  This is where one group, the majority (whites) blames the minority group (African-Americans) for having higher crime rates while the minority blames the majority for institutionalized racism within the criminal justice system.  

     The second part of this game is where both groups become so immersed (submerged) and enmeshed (entangled) in feelings of self-imposed shame.   In doing so, both groups become unavailable to work towards resolution of the identified problems.

To add specifics to this issue, the Sentencing Project reports the following;

·      Black youth were arrested at twice the rate of white youth for drug offenses between the years 1980-2010.  However, a study from the National Institute on Drug Abuse in 2012 found that white students were slightly more likely to have abused illegal drugs within the past month than black students of similar age.

·      In a US Department of Justice study on the 1980s “war on drugs”, it was reported that the country’s population of incarcerated drug users soared from 42,000 in 1980 to nearly 500,000 in 2007.  African-Americans constitute about 13% of drug users, yet they make up about 46% of those convicted for drug use.

·      Because African-Americans are generally more likely to be poor than whites, they are more likely to rely on court-appointed public defenders who work for agencies that are underfunded and understaffed.  In 2012, according to the US Government Accounting Office, 70% of these agencies reported that they are struggling to come up with funding needed to provide adequate legal defense for poor people. 

     There are two issues that are at the foundation of the increasing numbers of African-American men being involved within the criminal justice and therefore incarcerated in either the correction or penal system.  One issue as identified by the Sentencing Project is “police activity.”  Speaking directly regarding “racial profiling”, the Sentencing Project report states:

“Blacks are also far more likely than whites to be stopped by the police while driving.  Since the nature of law enforcement frequently requires police officers to make snap judgments about the danger posed by suspects and the criminal nature of their activity, subconscious racial associations influence the way officers perform their jobs.”

     The Sentencing Project concludes its report by providing recommendations, which include the following:

·      Prohibiting law enforcement officials from engaging in racial profiling.

·      Fully funding the country’s public defender agencies.

·      Establishing a commission to develop recommendations for “systemic reform” of the country’s police bureaus and courts.

     The report by the Sentencing Project is clear, concise and relevant to the issues being presented. Of more significance, however, is that the recommendations made today are no different from the recommendations made in 1998 where research studies found that 1 of every 4 African-American males were under some form of incarceration. 

     Given these recommendations, the only thing that has changed in the last 15 years is the increased numbers of African-American males being incarcerated (i.e. from 1 of every 4 to today’s expected rate of 1 of every 3).

This raises relevant questions such as:

·      Why are the numbers of African-American males being incarcerated increasing so drastically?

·      Why haven’t the recommendations provided been implemented during the previous 15 years?

·      Why would the implementation of these recommendations be so slow over the next 15 years?

     The answer?  Internalized fear.  Specifically, the internalized fear that is being shared by all groups involved. 

     This internalized fear is defined as:

“Fear that is incorporated within oneself (cultural values, mores, motives, attitudes etc) through learning or socialization.  Specifically, it is the acceptance or absorption of an idea, opinion, belief, etc., so that it becomes part of one’s character.  This act often takes root in an individual’s psychological core by learning or unconscious assimilation.”

     Specifically, the majority and ethnic minority communities continue to live in fear of each other.  This fear is reminiscent of staying within the “known,”and not seeking the “unknown,” due to fearing the uncomfortable.

     These communities are comparable to travelers who are journeying on the same road who upon coming to the “crossroads” i.e. “decision point” continue to take the same road and yet desire “different” outcomes or experiences. 

     The changes these travelers seek will only occur when they decide to take not the same road, but to seek a “new path.” In doing so, they may learn to come to terms with the unknown (“living with fear”) instead the known (“living in fear.”) 

     Both communities must want to create a “new path” instead of walking the same road that was created by others.  In doing so, both communities can learn to balance their fears and hopefully one day, embrace these fears. 

     The reality is this: fear is HERE.  It never left.  Fear will always be among us.  It is for us to determine how we balance and embrace our fears that continue to prevent us from resolving our differences.

Concluding Remarks

      We, the travelers, can work towards the resolution of our identified issues if we can re-conceptualize fear. One way to do this is to utilize the following empowerment strategy.  The traveler must:

·      Want to address the concept of fear. 

·      Want to come to terms with the reality that fear is simply a feeling and that fear can be “good.”

·      Want to realize that FEAR IS HERE.  FOREVER.

·      Want to understand that he/she has the choice to “live in fear or live with fear.”

Same old road?  Or walk and explore a new path?

·      What about you? 

·      What do you want?

·      What are you willing to do? In order to obtain what you want?

Live in fear? Or live with fear?  You choose!

“Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”

                Sir Winston Churchill 

Until the next crossroads, 

The Journey continues………….

At the Crossroads: Steppin’ Off Into The Future & Doing the RITE Thing (For Me!)

Dear Readers,

     In the previous week’s posting of the series The Visible Man, I responded to the comments of a young African-American man who was conflicted about many things, including remaining in school, dealing with psychological abuse and what direction to take in his life.  Essentially, he was standing at the crossroads of the journey we call LIFE and questioning what to do. I can only hope that he made the decision that best suits him, as it is his future and his life. 

     Recently, I have had the opportunity to review two news articles, both of which I found to be insightful as well as intriguing.  I would like to share these stories this week. 

     In these articles are stories of two men who share the following characteristics:

·      African-American

·      Football athletes

·      Responding to psychological trauma

     Both men essentially stood at the “crossroads” of their respective journeys.  Both chose different directions that produced different and distinctive outcomes.  Here are their stories:

Story #1 comes from the Seattle PI (10/30/13). 

     A former football player for the Oregon Ducks is very dissatisfied regarding the lack of appreciation from his fans.  He compares his life as a college athlete as to that of a slave.  His story:

“I remember walking in from fall camp practice and talking to my teammates about how similar our lives were to the TV series Spartacus.  We were slaves.  We were paid enough to live, eat, and train… And nothing more.  We went out on the field, where we were broken down physically and mentally every day, only to wake up and do it again on the next. 

On the outside, spectators placed bets and objectified us.  They put us on pedestals and worshiped us for a short time, but only as long as we were winning.  In the end, we were just a bunch of dumbass (racial slur) for the owners to whip, and the rich to bet on.

What I just described is a business, I know.  That’s how it works, and it is something we understand as athletes entering into the system, as (expletive) up as it is.  For many people entering that system, it’s better than what life has to offer elsewhere.  So they take it. 

But having been on the outside now, to witness this disgusting display of “support,” I know that I want no (expletive) part of it.  I will never attend a Ducks game as a spectator again.  I am disgusted by Ducks fans and I will sit back and observe from afar with high hopes for the players’ success and understanding of their sacrifice, without having to hear the spoiled woes of ignorant fans.

I will love the Ducks: my coaches, my teammates, my brothers and family.  The rest….Go (expletive) yourselves.”

     As one can see, this individual, as he is about to step off into his future, is bitter and angry about the psychological abuse he has tolerated.  Consequently, for all the ferocity of his parting shot at the Ducks’fans, they are a group that will never recognize him outside of a Ducks football jersey.   The days of adulation, jeers and glory are past for him now.   In parting, there is anger.  What will tomorrow bring for him?

Story #2 comes from the AARP Home Blog (10/30/13).

     This is a story we have heard too many times.  It tells of a professional athlete following both his moments of glory leaving the sport, falling into darkness and paying a heavy price for the fall.  Yet, the outcome or “decision” at the crossroad is different from similar stories.  It follows:

Sunoco “Stamp” Williams, who died July 8 at age 64 while taking a walk near his home, earned All-American honors at the University of Minnesota in 1967 and then went to play 12 seasons (and in three Super Bowls) as an offensive lineman in the NFL, first for the Baltimore Colts and then for the Los Angeles Rams.

All that time, Williams had another ambition: becoming a dentist.  He spent his off-seasons as a part-time dentistry student, and eventually earned a doctorate in 1978 from the University of Maryland.  When he retired from football after the 1980 season, he moved back to Minneapolis and launched a dental practice.

But Dr. Williams’ second act unexpectedly took a disastrous turn.  He began using cocaine, and was indicated for selling a small amount of the drug to a college friend who turned out to be a federal informant.  He ended up pleading guilty and served seven months in a federal prison.  'When something like that happens… it makes you re-examine yourself,' he explained in a 2002 interview with the Minneapolis Star-Tribune.  'You have to go deep inside yourself and deal with things you don’t want to deal with.  You have to be honest with yourself.'  

After his release, Dr. Williams totally rebuilt his life, not only resuming his dental practice, but becoming an exemplary citizen.  He joined a group that visited prison inmates to assist in their rehabilitation, and he became active in organizations working to revitalize Minneapolis.  In 1992, the city honored him as volunteer of the year.  In 2001, in the wake of the September 11 attack on the World Trade Center, Williams rushed to New York to serve on a seven-man forensic dentistry team that helped identify the bodies of the terror victims.

     Regretfully, this powerful and remarkable story concludes with a reviewer or reader sending in the following question:

“How did he keep his dental license as a convicted felon?”

     Both stories are powerful and insightful. 

     In story #1, the future has not been written for the former Duck football athlete.  He appears driven by anger.  It is likely that a few fans will take the opportunity to be insightful about what is being stated, while others may simply view him as being ungrateful, who got a four year athletic scholarship and now is whining about how he was “unfairly treated.”

      In story #2, Dr. Williams’ life has come full circle.  His story has been written and hopefully many, excluding a few (i.e. “How did he keep his dental license as a convicted felon?”) will benefit from what he was able to achieve. 

     There is much we can learn in both stories if we allow ourselves the opportunity.   As one stands at the “Crossroads,” one can light the beacon that illuminates the path that has been chosen.   

     The beacon “doing the RITE thing” contains the following illuminations:

R    Recognize the behavior or action that creates or reinforces the pain/emotional wound.

I     Identify the behavioral change that will alleviate or respond to the pain/emotional wound.

T    Transform it; walk/work in the direction, allowing yourself to fully experience the emotional response.

E    Empower the self.  Do this for “me” and no one else.  Reinforce “me.”

     In closing, as the individual stands at the “Crossroads,” it is for that person to recognize that they have choices in which how they choose to walk the journey.  One can either hold on to the bitter fruits of the past and in doing so, allow this cancer to consume from within, or one can choose to “let go” and in doing so, seek to experience a challenging and constructive life.

“The end of one journey is the beginning of another.”

"The choice is ours.  We can continue doing the same old thing, traveling the same road.  Or we can do something new, something different... on the path less traveled."

The journey continues……

At the Crossroads: The Old Road or New Path: Which Way Will You Choose?

Dear Readers,

     Recently there have been a number of news articles published regarding Trayon Christian, a 19 year old African American male college student who was arrested after purchasing a $350.00 belt from at a luxury store in Manhattan (New York City).  In this incident, the young man did not appear to do anything wrong other than shopping and thereby was arrested for “shopping while black.”

     Such incidents are becoming the new normal for African-Americans.  Consequently, certain reactions to what can often be misread as threatening or suspicious behaviors on part of African-Americans, especially men, are now becoming of great concern.  

     For example, many would consider it absurd that a person would be deemed a threat and subsequently arrested for the simple action of waving—and yet, such an incident did occur. 

     It was recently reported in the Evansville Courier & Press (8/16/13) that George Madison, a 38-year-old African-American firefighter, was handcuffed by police officers of the Evansville Police Department for waving at the police officers as they drove past him while he was riding his bicycle. The report goes on:

While riding his bike in Evansville, IN, George Madison Jr., 38, waved to a couple of police officers nearby.  From where Madison was, the officers looked familiar to him.  After all, as a firefighter with the Evansville Fire Department, Madison worked closely with many officers of the Evansville Police Department.

But Madison didn’t look familiar to the officers, and as Madison explains, the officers deemed his friendly wave a threat. “The officer jumped out and says, ‘what are you doing throwing your hands up at us?’  He is talking to me as he is coming toward me.  I tried to explain, but I couldn’t get a word in edgewise.”

Madison went on to say that the officer’s attitude made him feel angry and alone.  “It was like everything had disappeared, and I was there alone and I got scared,” he said.

Before he knew it, Madison said, the officer had his stun device out.  “It was literally maybe inches from my face. I immediately threw my hands in the air.  I said, ‘Please don’t hurt me.’  The next thing I know, I’m laying down on the ground and they cuffed me.”

Once they established who Madison was, the officers brought Madison up to his knees and let him go.  Madison, who is a father of four and also a youth pastor at Memorial Baptist Church in Evansville, filed a formal complaint with the police’s internal affairs division. 

     Question: Is this the end of the story for either Christian in New York City or Madison in Evansville, IN? 

     Answer:  No. There is a common theme in both incidents in which either “shopping while black” or “waving while black” may have resulted in both individuals experiencing trauma responses and thus carrying psychological wounds and scars. 

     The way in which both individuals perceive their worlds moving forward may never be the same.  It is conceivable that Madison may be conflicted regarding whether he should extend the professional courtesy of acknowledgement to a “fellow officer” who is white.  Or, that Christian would be feeling apprehensive while shopping in a business establishment that sells luxury or expensive items in the future.

     Can society truly understand how these men may feel?  If such an experience has never happened to us, how can we really understand?  Both of these men are known as upstanding and contributing members of their communities. Yet, through no fault of their own, they are forced to endure a humiliating and terrorizing experience which they will never forget.

     Can society truly sense the hyper vigilance, the high paced beating of the heart & pulsing of blood as these men await their fate?  This would be highly unlikely, unless they are those members who have also experienced the indignities of such incidents.  Furthermore, it would be impossible to clearly understand or grasp what the trauma has taken from them.

     Trauma, what trauma?  What was taken from them?  What does either of these mean?  Regardless of your age, gender, race or cultural/ethnic identification, just for a moment, imagine yourself in the following situation:

 It is a nice day, not a cloud in the sky, life for you is as normal as it gets.  You find yourself riding your bicycle or go into the store to buy yourself a belt and then suddenly, the world as you know explodes in your face.

 Only moments ago, 

You are either “waving” at a police officer or “shopping” at the store and for no clearly identifiable reason, you find yourself arrested, handcuffed and not permitted to move freely.  Or, you are being questioned in a manner that is clouded with suspicion, threats and intimidation.

You find yourself attempting to explain, yet no one is willing to listen or believe what you have to say. Then either a weapon is being placed directly in your face or you find yourself being placed in the backseat of a patrol car.

You are scared.  You are alone.  People are passing by, staring, pointing and taking your picture or taking videos with their cell phone.  Your heart is about to explode in your chest.  You feel helpless.  So you pray, and ask that someone to wake you up from this “nightmare.”

     In either occurrence, you may have experienced a little of what Madison & Christian felt. This is trauma. This particular form of trauma is defined as the “just world” theory.  

     In the “just world” theory, people have a need to believe in a “just world,” one in which they get what they deserve and deserve what they get. 

     The just world theory corresponds to the principle of “goodness” and that the goodness of an individual is the primary factor determining one’s lot in life.  Trauma shatters the just world theory because the traumatic response occurs as a result of an out-of-the-ordinary event that presents itself as a threat to survival and self-preservation. Imagine what could be more out-of-the-ordinary than being arrested for waving or buying yourself a belt.

     Let’s return to the scenario for a moment. You have been held in custody for a period ranging from minutes to hours. Then, without warning or introduction, a stranger approaches, saying:

The incident was a “huge misunderstanding and a communication problem.”

     Members of society, look within the “psychological self” i.e. your inner being, and ask the following:

·      How does this statement make me feel?

·      Does this statement remove the memory of the traumatic experience?

·      How does this statement prevent this incident from occurring again?

·      What did I do to deserve this?

·      Why me?  (Why did this happen to me?)

     Members of society, I will leave it to you to respond to questions 1 through 3.  Please allow me to answer questions 4 & 5.

Responses:

·      (What did I do to deserve this?) I did nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

·      (Why me?)  It is not about you.  It’s about “living in fear”.

     Living in Fear?  Yes. Fear is nothing more than a feeling or emotion.  It is for the individual member of society to determine how to respond to fear.  The incidents in the scenario are both situations in which the responding police officers were going by prejudgments based on their own, and society’s, internalized feelings of “living in fear.”

     Such incidents will continue to occur, resulting in innocent persons being psychologically and emotionally wounded and scarred. The terror of a fearful society will cease only when its members seek to empower itself and in doing so, transforms its mode of behavior towards one which seeks to balance its prejudgments and move towards “living with fear.” 

     However, until this transformation (i.e. from living in fear to living with fear) can occur, it is upon all of us, regardless of race, ethnicity, or gender, to take steps that will assist in maintaining our safety. We have common goals with the police-- we too want to return home to our loved ones. 

     Therefore, when interacting with either the police or members of law enforcement agencies, and you feel fear based on aggression from or the intimidating stance of the police officers, it is advisable to take the following actions:

·      First, upon realizing the aggressive or intimidating stance being taken by the police officers; assume a posture that reinforces your physical vulnerability & physical exposure. An example of this is keeping your palms up and hands raised away from your body.  Maintain your psychological composure while the police control the scene.

 

·      Second, follow the directions given by the police officers without question or hesitation.  It is imperative that they be in control of the situation or individual who for whatever reason, they consider to be a danger to themselves.  Failure to immediately follow their directive may serve to heighten their fear for their safety.

·      Third, never ever resist or give the impression that there is a desire to resist.  Any such action on the individual’s part may lead to coming to face with the use of deadly force or actions by the police officers that could result in physical injury or death.

     In closing, as one stands at the crossroads, it is for the individual, as a member of “society”, to decide whether to seek a new path, one based on optimism and hope for the future or remain on the old road of the past, holding tightly to that which continues to divide us.

If we are willing to seek balance then we can work to understand the following:

·      Fear is an emotion.  Fear can be good.

·      Learn to live with fear and not in fear.

·      Learn to embrace fear and not allow fear to be used against the psychological self.

The journey continues…… 

Dr. Micheal Kane

The Visible Man: There Is No Going Back. We Can Go Forward, But We Do Not Go Back.

Dear Visible Man:

     I am a 19-year-old African-American sophomore working toward becoming a chemical engineer.  I live in a residence hall on the school campus. I am really getting fed up with the ridiculous remarks that come from the people around me.

     One of my roommates believes that slavery was a good thing (“they had someone to take care of them.”)  Recently, one of my roommates greeted me (in a room FULL of other students) with a “what’s up my niggaz.”  I felt so humiliated.  When I protested, he stated “if your people can say it, why can’t I?”  I have filed a complaint with the campus residence staff and so far nothing has happened. 

     After a year of putting up with this crap, I am sick of it and want to knock his teeth out.  I know that I will probably wind up in jail.  I have talked to my parents; they are no help.  My father wants me to “man up” and stick it out. He tells me that if other black men can stick it out do it, so can I. My mother wants me to come home.  Coming back home would feel like failure.

     I’ve started to drink alcohol, smoke weed, and skip classes.  As one can guess, my grades are dropping.  I will probably end up on academic probation.

     When I left home, I didn’t think it would be this bad.  I feel like a failure.  I want to go back home to my community.  What should I do?

Man Down, Seattle, WA

 

Dear Young Man,

      I have several things to say to you.  First, I want to extend to you my sincere congratulations on your decision to attend college and pursue your goal of becoming a chemical engineer.  Your decision to do so shows that you have chosen a path that may lead to a bright and successful future.

     Second, take time out for reflection. I call this stopping point the “way station.”  The way station is a place within the psychological self where you can go and give yourself the opportunity to reflect upon the actions you are taking and the experiences that are occurring.

     Third, and most important, do not fall for the trap of “man up.”  The psychological self is talking to you. Please listen to the pain and the wounds that have been impacted upon the self.  To “man up” is a trap that seeks to separate you from the psychological self and serves to either ignore or minimize the reality of both the pain and the emotional wound that you are now responding to.

Having said all of the above, let’s clearly identify the issues that you are responding to:

·      As one of the few African-Americans within the campus residence system, you are feeling extreme isolation and lacking a clear sense of community.

·      You are being impacted psychologically by comments and remarks that are racist and lacking in sensitivity.

·      You are conflicted with your desires to leave the current environment and your desires to fulfill your father’s demand by remaining in school.

·      You want to go back to the life you previously had.  However you feel that to do so will mean that you are a “failure.”

Now, let’s identify the ways you are currently responding to those issues.

·      You want to physically assault the person who is creating this emotional wound.

·      You are using alcohol and marijuana to ease, minimize or ignore the emotional pain you are experiencing.

·      You are skipping your classes, therefore creating the likelihood of being ejected from school due to inability to maintain the required grade point average.

     YOUNG MAN, life is not a rose garden.  Nor is life promised to you.  If you want it, then you must experience the good, the bad and the ugly.

     However, life can be what you want and work for it to be.  As you take your respite at the “way station,” view this as an opportunity to accept ownership of your feelings and in doing so, reinforce acceptance of your direction.  Empower the self to explore the following:

·      Isolation- Identify activities on campus or within the local area that can assist in developing and reinforcing a sense of community.

·      Anger- the emotional feeling of anger is an appropriate response given the “micro-aggression” you have experienced.  Micro-aggression can be defined as constant repetitive assaults that have the potential to lead to a sense of “hyper-alertness” and stress in those individuals being targeted by the offending behavior.

·      Conflict-there may be a state of “open warfare” going on within as you attempt to resolve the disharmony between two incompatible interests, that being fight (man up!) or flight (go back home).

   YOUNG MAN, learn and accept that there is no such thing as “going back.” 

     You can “return” home to visit; however you can “never, ever go back.”  The life you left, the safety and comforts that live in your memory no longer exist.  The person who left home to “explore the world and beyond” has now changed into the person of today.  There is no “stepping back into the past.”   However, the “changing person” can continue to transform and in doing so, “journey into the tomorrow,” and experience new comfort and ways to feel safe there.

Framework for Failure (Living in Fear)

·      Drugs & Alcohol are tools to salve the psychological wound and medicate the pain.  The after effect of the intoxication or drug-induced feelings will not resolve the problems that currently exist.

·      Skipping classes will ultimately serve as disempowering—it will hamper your efforts to achieve academic, professional and personal success.

·      Physical Violence may lead to short term satisfaction, but long term regrets. Such actions may lead to academic suspension/expulsion, arrest, and incarceration and serve as a dark cloud as you continue the journey that we know as “LIFE.”  This one action can impact one’s ability to gain employment, obtain credit, buy a home and provide for one’s family.

     YOUNG MAN, The conflict that lies within you is in reality “FEAR.”

     This fear comes from the disconnect between standing up for yourself and your culture through violence and yet knowing that if you do so, you risk making things worse for yourself in the long run. It is the difference between letting this person disrespect you momentarily, and the stark reality that if you react violently, you can adversely impact your own life, which is, in effect, you disrespecting yourself.

     Resolve the conflict by having the willingness to “live with your fear rather than living in your fear.”  Fear, like other emotions such as joy, happiness, sorrow and laughter, are simply feelings.  It is for the individual to take ownership and learn to “balance” (i.e. live with such feelings.

Framework for Success: (Living with Fear)

·      Communication- In sharing “space” i.e. school/residence/work, you must acknowledge your own vulnerability and exposure to comments that can be on the face based on ignorance (lack of knowledge) or hurtful (with purposeful intent).  Show the willingness to “educate” those lacking in knowledge and distance & protect the self from those who seek to inflict hurt and injury.

·      Explore & process your internal conflicts.  Explore the incompatibility that exists.  Work towards bringing peace to your internal self.  Contact your local student health services.  Inquire into mental health counseling for support and a safe place to express your feelings.

·      Process your feelings of anger.  Make decisions that will increase your options of success.  Let go of your desire of physical altercation. 

·      Follow up with your grievance to the school officials.  Document your concerns. 

     YOUNG MAN, Process your desire to “man up” or use physical violence. Understand that such desires are traps, and are manifestations of “living in fear” in that it maintains separation from the psychological self, which has been wounded and is experiencing pain.   Such desires reinforce the fear of exploring other ways to resolve conflicts and disagreements.

     Regarding the individual who made the racist remark and afterwards questioned why he and others can’t have the freedom of using such racist language-- rather than resort to living in fear, ask yourself what this person seeking from you.

·      Is he really just seeking permission from you to use the racist terms without dealing with the consequences of using the word?

     Rather than accept those feelings of humiliation (reinforced living in fear), engage the individual in a discussion within the same group.  Help him understand that he is free to use any racist terms that are available, but will be held accountable for those terms, and will have to bear those consequences.  Such consequences could include the following:

·      Loss of relationships with black people

·      The risk of being assaulted by angry individuals who may not choose to partake in intellectual discussion regarding the usage of racist terms

·      Being shunned by other white people who are more culturally sensitive and do not want to associate with a person who they perceive as a racist

     Furthermore, affirm for you and specifically you (as you do not speak for all black people,) that the term is offensive. If he chooses to use racist language, then some people (including you) would consider him to be an offensive person. That’s just reality. He’s now shown himself to be that kind of person, and it is his problem to deal with, not yours.    

     Do not allow this individual to become a victim of physical assault by your hand.  Do not allow yourself to become victimized in a system in which 1 in every 3 African-American males born today can be expected to go prison at some point in their life. 

     Learn from this encounter.  Understand that ignorance (that being, the lack of knowledge) looms along the journey and there will be many more such opportunities for more such experiences to come.

     Have the willingness to transform the view of being a “man down” to being a young man seeking his way, creating his path in the journey we call LIFE.

     YOUNG MAN, in closing, let me share a story.

     In a time long ago, there was a young man, who almost was expelled from graduate school due to almost becoming embroiled in a physical altercation at the internship.  This person was given a second chance to seek a new path.  He took it, and he went on to have a successful academic & professional career as well as a healthy family and marital relationship.  That person was me.

     I am no longer the man I was.  I have become the man I am. There is no going back. However, one can always go forward.  To do so one must be willing to “live with fear” and in doing so let go of the old ways of “living in fear.”  As you sit at the “way station,” you also stand at the “crossroads” where the new path is available to you.

     The “new path” leads to the return to the classroom.  In doing so, you can continue to advance your very promising future.  Or you can continue on the “old road,” isolating, drinking alcohol and getting high and thus continue to living in fear.  The choice is yours. 

What will you do?  Continue what you have started.  Walk your journey and finish the race. 

Living life can be likened to a marathon. Finish the race; don't worry about coming in first place. Cross the finish line. Just finish the race. Finish what you start.

“Ten Flashes of Light For The Journey of Life”

The Visible Man