My woman and I are both in our twenties and have been
together for some time. We are now
considering getting married. However, I
am in a serious conflict with her in that she does not want to say the words
“honor and obey” in the wedding ceremony.
We were both raised up in the church. I believe that as the head of my household,
it is important that my spouse respects me and follow the road in life that I
will walk and support the home that I will make for us.
I have read your website.
You seem to be a strong black man and the head of your household. Do you
have any words you want to share? Maybe
she will listen to a neutral person.
Still Waiting
Seattle, WA
Seattle, WA
Dear YOUNG MAN,
First, I want to congratulate you for having the wish and
desire to take the journey of matrimony.
The marital bond/contract is not to be taken lightly, as creating a lifelong
relationship is one of the most serious commitments you will make in your life.
I find it interesting that in reading my website, you would
find my opinion worthwhile in this decision process. Your review of my website
has led you to believe that I am a strong man and the head of my
household.
The reason I am curious about your beliefs is that the
website doesn't speak to my personal beliefs, but to my professional
aspirations and clinical interests.
In addition, your writing seems to affirm my “neutrality," but there is an underlying assumption that I would be in agreement
with your position. Such an assumption
would deflate any perception of my supposed neutrality.
That being said, I will, as you requested, write a response
to your concerns. HOWEVER, I will address my response specifically to you and
NOT to your bride to be. If I were to make any recommendations to your fiancée,
it would be: “listen to the psychological self.”
So in speaking directly to you, let’s clarify the issues:
·
There is conflict because your fiancée is either
reluctant, hesitant, or outright refusing to utter the words “honor and obey”
as a featured part of your martial vows.
·
There is an internalized belief system that as
the man, you are the head of the household.
·
Other internalized beliefs include a need for your spouse to respect you
and follow your road in life and
support the home you will make for your family.
In researching marital vows that are similar to what you are
seeking, I came across the Form of Matrimony, which originated in 1662 and was
revised in 1928. The words to be spoken
by the groom are different from those being spoken by the bride. It follows:
Groom- “I take thee (name of bride),
to be my lawful wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for
better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love
and cherish, till death us do part, according to God’s holy ordinance and
thereto I plight thee my troth.”
Bride-“I take thee (name of groom),
to be my lawful wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for
better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love,
cherish and to obey, till death us do part, according to God’s holy ordinance
and thereto I plight thee my troth.”
In 1980, the words were revised and left to be identical for
both groom and bride with the exception of "to love and to cherish." The groom now says “to love, cherish, and
worship” and the bride continues to say “love, cherish, and obey.”
In 2000, the vows in Common Worship was changed to have both
groom and bride to state “to love and to cherish,” but it was left to the bride
and groom to choose whether to add “obey” when the bride makes her vows.
YOUNG MAN, the key concept in the 2000 revision is the
choice of the bride to replace the clause and include “obey” if she so
desires. Your bride to be clearly does
not desire to do so. The key questions
to ask yourself are the:
·
Why is it important that my spouse obey me? Why do I need her to obey?
·
Why am I not listening to her wants?
·
What does the unwillingness to listen to her
wants indicate about potential conflicts in our relationship as husband and
wife?
YOUNG MAN, I would encourage you to examine your concepts
regarding “leadership, strength and head of household.” A wise person has the humility
to listen to the words of his/her spouse.
A wise person acknowledges not only his/her strengths, but also his/her
weaknesses.
Furthermore, A wise person does not seek leadership based on gender; it is in one’s wisdom that leadership in the household is
a shared commitment by two individuals, who have made that contract to God and each other, and
witnessed by their family and friends, to honor, love and cherish until death do
them part.
YOUNG MAN, a wise person does not seek respect from another
or seek to fulfill a “need” for obedience.
A wise person understands that respect lies within the self. If the source
of respect comes from another, then it can just as easily be taken away.
Respect from a loved one is earned and not demanded via
obedience. A wise person understands
that the sense of security that lies within a relationship based on mutual
earned respect is strong and will be there during the hard and difficult days
that will lie ahead.
Take the time to ask yourself the following questions:
·
If marriage is a lifetime commitment, why am I
willing to obligate my relationship to a structure that is guaranteed to work
towards its failure?
·
As I look around my community, what are the
structures that reinforce marriage instead of weakening it?
·
Am I willing to let go of past teachings and
seek another structure that may reinforce my relationship?
·
Do I want a life of leader/follower? Or am I willing to consider a structure that
is different?
YOUNG MAN, for you to be successful in your marital walk and
to find the life and the security in the relationship that you seek, have the
willingness to want to stop “living in fear.” Instead of walking a “road” that was created by others, have the
willingness to create for yourself and your bride a new path, one that is yours and yours alone—a path
that you can be proud of.
Have the willingness to view your marital relationship as
one of equals in the journey. Instead of obedience, seek partnership. Instead of your word being “law,” strive for openness in communication, reinforcing the freedom of its flow. Seek out strategies that will lead to a
healthy and vibrant relationship.
Focus on teamwork as your approach to problems. Be willing to not only expose your strengths,
but your weaknesses as well. Let it be
known to her that the both of you are signing up for this lifetime
contract. Be willing to enter into this
blessed union with all eyes open and everything out on the table for both
parties to see and comment.
YOUNG MAN, I leave you with these words: have the willingness
to be exposed and vulnerable to your mate.
Are you prepared for the journey following matrimony that lies
ahead?
It is wise to question the wisdom of marriage in this time
of your life. Continue your walk and in
doing so, focus on the experience,
and not the destination. If you seek lifelong commitment with a person
in this journey, seek to broaden the meaning of what you want in your martial
relationship.
If you truly are seeking obedience in your relationship,
perhaps more consideration should be given towards the marital contract as well
as to the reluctance of your bride to be.
A wise person learns from
his/her mistakes, makes corrections and finds the right path; the foolish one
will continue without direction, never finding the road even when it is in
front of his/her face.
-Ten Flashes of Light for the Journey of Life
The Visible Man
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