“The son wishes
to remember what the father wishes
to forget.”
Yiddish
Proverb
I recall a time many years ago about a man living downstairs in my building
who would come home and physically beat his wife. Although this was a time in which one “minds
one’s business,” my father, after hearing the fighting day after day, one day
asked him why did he hit his wife. The
man’s response was that “if I didn’t beat her, she would feel that I did not
love her.”
I remember the nights of placing my hands over my ears to
muffle out her screams as I attempted to sleep.
I remember my parents acting as they had heard nothing. I remember the gossiping of the ladies as
they talked about the beating Harriet got that night.
I remember the silence of the men folk who shunned the
person doing the battering. I would ask
my father why did the men not come together and talk to him. He would tell me to hush; it was not their
business. Yet I could feel his anger and
shame.
These distant memories of a time long ago are reawakened by a book I'm re-reading. The novel Mama,
published by Terry McMillan in 1987, tells the story of Mildred, mother of five, black and dealing with the jealous
rampages of her husband, Crook.
I had barely begin reading and was in the midst of chapter
one when Crook, in a drunken state as he is beating his spouse Mildred with a
belt, states:
“Didn’t I tell you, you was getting too grown?”
Whap. (The sound of the belt). “Don’t
you know your place yet, girl?” Whap. “Don’t
you know nothing about respect?” Whap. “Girl, you gon’ learn. I’m a man, not a toy.” Whap. “You
understand me.” Whap. "Make me look like a fool.” Whap.
(p.8)
I am shocked. I want
to put the book down and yet I choose to continue. I must continue. As I read on, I see that Crook has thrown the
belt onto the floor and collapsed next to Mildred on the bed, going to
sleep. Now, I am really just
amazed. This man has just given his
spouse a stiff ass whipping and he is brazen enough to lie next to her and go
to sleep? What the hell? This is a story, a novel, right?
Reading on I see that Mildred gets up and heads for the
kitchen. I say to myself, there is going
to be hell to pay; the devil is going to get his due.
She yanks the black skillet out and slung the grease
into the sink. Before he knew what was happening, Mildred raised the heavy pan into the air and charged into him, hitting him on the forehead with a loud throng.
Blood ran down over his eye and he grabbed
her and pushed back into the bedroom. The kids heard them bumping into the wall for seemed like forever and then they heard nothing at all. (p.9)
The kids?! They did
this with the children being present or within distance to hear? Everything?
What the hell? This is a story, a
novel, right?
Freda hushed the girls and made them huddle under a flimsy flannel blanket on the bottom bunk bed. “Shut up, before they hear us and we’ll be next” she whispered loudly. She tried to
comfort the two youngest, Angel and
Doll, by wrapping them inside her skinny
arms, but it was no use. They couldn’t stop crying. None of them understood
any of this, but when they heard the
mattress squeaking, they knew what was
happening. (p.9)
Let me see if I understand this. The drunken husband, Crook beats his
wife. Mildred in turn hits him on the
forehead with a skillet causing blood to run.
Both are now in the bedroom engaging in sexual intercourse. The children are in the next room traumatized
and listening to their parents engaging in sexual intercourse. What the hell?!
This is a story, a novel, right?
And what about the impact on the children?
Money ran from his room into Freda’s. When
Money couldn’t stand it any more, he tiptoed
back to his room. He flipped over his mattress, because the fighting always made him lose control of his bladder. He would say
his prayers extra hard and swear that when
he got older and got married he would never
beat his wife; he wouldn’t care what she
did. He would leave first.(p.9)
Wow. The boy is so
traumatized that he loses control and wets the bed? Then he prays extra hard. The behavior continues to repeat itself. There is no change. Is God listening? What the hell?! This is a story, a novel,
right?
Damn. What about the
other children? Freda, and her little
sisters. Angel & Doll, they are
babies.
The girls slid into their respective bunks and lay
there, not moving to scratch or even twitch. They tried to inch into their separate dreams but the sound of creaking grew louder and louder, then faster and faster. “Why
they try to kill each other, then do the nasty?”
Bootsey asked Freda. “Mama don’t like
doing it,” Freda explained. “She only doing it so Daddy won’t hit her no more.”
Sounds like she like it to me. It’s taking forever,”
said Bootsey. Angel and Doll didn’t know what they were talking about. “Just
go to sleep,” Freda said. And pretty soon the noises stopped and their eyelids drooped and they fell asleep.”(p.10)
So what do the children learn from this experience? After fighting with your husband, you force
yourself to have sex with him. You do
this so you can avoid being beaten again. What the hell?! This is a story, a
novel, right?
Yes. This is a
story. A true story, which is occurring
everyday within the African-American community.
Below are a number of statistics that speak to Intimate Partner Violence
(IPV) in the African American Community. This information is made available
through the Institute on Domestic Violence in the African-American Community
(IDVAAC).
·
In a nationally representative survey conducted
in 1996, 29% of African American women and 12% of African American men reported
at least one instance of violence from an intimate partner.
·
African Americans account for a disproportionate
number of intimate partner homicides. In
2005, African Americans accounted for almost 1/3 of the intimate partner
homicides in this country.
·
Black women comprise 8% of the U.S. population
but in 2005 accounted for 22% of the intimate partner homicide victims and 29%
of all female victims of intimate partner homicide.
·
Intimate partner homicides among African
Americans have declined sharply in the last 30 years. Partner homicides involving a black man or
black woman decreased from a high of 1529 in 1976 to 475 in 2005, for a total
decline of 69%.
·
Intimate partner deaths have decreased most
dramatically among black men. From
1976-1985, black men were more likely than black women to be a victim of
domestic homicide; by 2005, black women were 2.4 times more likely than a black
male to be murdered by their partners.
Over this period, intimate partner homicides declined by 83% for black
men vs.55% for black women.
BE AWARE OF THE RISK FACTORS FOR INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE
(IPV)
Intimate partner violence among African Americans is related
to economic factors, and happens more frequently among couples that:
·
Have lower incomes.
·
Where the male partner is underemployed
or unemployed.
· In couples where the male is not seeking work.
· In couples that reside in very poor
neighborhoods, regardless of the couple’s income.
Relational Risk Factors
·
Alcohol problems (drinking, binge drinking,
dependency) are more frequently related to intimate partner violence for
African Americans than for whites or Hispanics.
·
As with other abusive men, African American men
who batter are higher in jealousy and the need for power and control in the
relationship.
·
As with women of other races, among African
American women killed by their partner, the lethal violence was more likely to
occur if there had been incidents in which the partner had used or threatened
to use a weapon on her and/or the partner has tried to choke or strangle her.
·
Among African American women killed by their
partner, almost half were killed while in the process of leaving the
relationship, highlighting the need to take extra precautions at that time.
·
Among African
American women who killed their partner, almost 80% had a history of abuse.
FAMILIARIZE & UNDERSTAND THE IMPACT OF ABUSE
Black women who are battered differed in the following ways
than black women without the history of abuse in that they often:
·
have more physical ailments,
·
have mental health issues,
·
are less likely to practice self sex
·
are more likely to abuse substances during
pregnancy
Black women who are battered are at greater risk
·
for attempting suicide
·
of history of being abused as a child
·
for being depressed
·
suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
LEARN ABOUT THE DYNAMICS OF ABUSE
Domestic violence re-occurs.
·
In a large sample of battered black women, in
about half the cases in which abuse happened, the violence did not happen
again.
·
However, over 1/3 of women reporting abuse had
at least one other incident of severe domestic violence in the same year
·
And one in six experienced another less severe
act of domestic violence
Women attempt to leave abusive relationships.
·
Seventy to eighty percent of abused black women
left or attempted to leave the relationship.
Women in abusive relationship need the support of friends
and family.
·
Battered black women who reported that they
could rely on others for emotional and practical support were less like to be
re-abused, showed less psychological distress and were less likely to attempt
suicide.
CHILDREN LEARN FROM THEIR LESSONS WELL FROM THEIR PARENTS
Teen Dating Violence
Black youth are over represented as victims of teen dating
violence. In a 2003 national study of
high school students
·
Almost 14% of African American youth (vs. 7% of
white youth) reported that a boyfriend or girlfriend had “hit, slapped or
physically hurt them on purpose” in the last year
·
Boys (13.7%) and girls (14%) were almost equally
likely to report being a victim of dating violence
Concluding Remarks
With some many new and current publications by
African-American writers, it is unclear for me as to why I chose to return to
the past to read Mama again. I feel truly blessed
that I did pick up the book and continue to be captivated by the pain and
suffering that occurred during my childhood as well as the reality that the
same pain and suffering continues today.
During my parents’ day, the mindset was keep to your own
business. That was the norm back then. Shame on them. There can be no justification or excuse for
intimate partner violence. Furthermore,
there is no justification or excuse for YOU to do nothing if you observe or
know that this unacceptable behavior is occurring to a friend, coworker or
family member.
It is great news, a true blessing that the number of partner
homicides in the African-American community has dramatically decreased 69%
(1529 in 1976 to 475 in 2005). However,
one death from partner homicide is one too many. One child traumatized, and having to go
throughout life without a parent due to the homicide by the other parent is
simply more than our community can bear or tolerate.
Take action. Speak
up. Follow the framework as developed by
Dr. Micheal Kane. Do the RITE Thing!
The
RITE Thing
R = Recognize- The person is in danger.
I = Intervention-
Provide assistance. Identify resources.
T = Transform- Take
action. Ensure safety.
E = Empowerment- Look
towards the tomorrow. Plan and work
towards the future
For more information regarding domestic violence victim
services and treatment services for batterers that may be available within your
local community contact:
·
The local domestic violence hotline
·
The local community crisis clinic
·
The local United Way agency
·
The local state office responsible for the
welfare of children, youth and families.
·
The local police or law enforcement agency
It was in my parent’s generation and those preceding them
that they were taught to mind their own business. Today is not that day. We can and we must do different.
A
wise person learns from his/her mistakes, make corrections and finds the right
path; the foolish one will continue without direction, never finding the road
even when it is in front of his/her face.
(Ten Flashes of Light for the
Journey of Life, Micheal Kane).
“SUFFERING
IN SILENCE”
To end the suffering
We must no longer be silent.
If we do not speak,
It is a certainty that no one will
listen.
Words will never arise from silence
Speak.
---Dr. Micheal Kane
Empower. Empower her.
Empower him.
Empower
Self.
The journey continues…..
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