I am writing to extend the gift of an apology regarding the
response I gave in the posting of Visible Man (9.23.13), “Letting go of
Negativity and Moving On With Life.” As
you may recall, the viewer stated, “I am embarrassed to say that I have only a
few black female friends.” In my
response I replied, “I would encourage you not to be embarrassed regarding
having only a few black female friends.
Instead I would suggest that you explore the quality and meaning you are
seeking in these relationships.”
My response was partially incorrect. Although I stand by my suggestion to “explore
the quality and meaning you are seeking in these relationships,” there may be a
perception that I am either ignoring or minimizing the viewer’s feelings of
embarrassment. It is my error that as I
am focusing on answering one part of question, I am unintentionally ignoring
the feelings of embarrassment that are being acknowledged and “owned” by the
writer.
So let’s examine the concern regarding embarrassment. In reviewing the numerous definitions of the
word embarrass, these following terms
arise:
·
To cause to feel self-conscious or ill at ease;
disconcert
·
To feel or cause to feel confusion or fluster
·
To make someone feel nervous, ashamed, or stupid
in a social situation.
Looking at these definitions and applying them to what is
being sought by the writer (i.e. “I am embarrassed to say that I have only a
few black female friends.”), two concepts—acceptance and validation—immediately
come into focus. Without additional
information from the writer, there is the appearance that the individual may
have concerns about the following:
·
What does it say about me that I only have a few
black friends?
·
How do I feel about myself in only having a few
black friends?
·
What will others say, feel or think about me
when they realized that I have only a few black friends?
It would be “normal” to laugh or be dismissive of this
person’s feelings of embarrassment.
However, to do so would show one’s ignorance (lack of knowledge) that
this person is simply following the “script” in which of being taught by the
larger group (or family, community, or society) to place extreme weight on the
perceptions of others. This “pressure”
is one of the major ways in which the larger group utilizes to control the
behavior, social mores and activities of its members.
An example of this is the following: the larger group sends
repeated messages that this individual is “less than” when she associates with
others outside her group. These messages
act as “externalized pressure” (assaults from outside) that become validated by
the individual. As a result of the
pressure by the larger group, the individual accepts the larger group’s opinion
and thus, the individual is now responding to “internalized pressure” (assaults
from within). The larger group’s goal
has been achieved in that the physical presence of the larger group is now not
warranted or required. The work of
controlling the individual is now being maintained from within through
repetitive questions of self-doubt, self-validation and questioning of the
individual’s decisions and choices.
It is up to the individual to question the pressure being
exerted externally as well as internally.
Questions that the individual in this situation can reflect on in this
regard include:
·
Regardless of the number of black friends, how
do I feel about me?
·
Do I want to judge my relationships on the color
of their skin or the content of their character?
·
Regardless of what others say or think about me,
what do I feel and think about me? How
do I want to live my life? Who will
choose the relationships in my life?
It is essential for the individual to understand that the
focus of the larger group i.e. family, community, and society does not extend
to the wellness of the individual. Its
focus remains on the larger group.
Therefore it is in the act of “self care” that the individual must question,
taking ownership and responsibility for “one’s feelings.”
Following the script?
We all do it so well. As
children and adolescents, we are bombarded with messages from the larger group,
whether it comes from parents, peers, teachers, clergy etc. Once the individual enters “adulthood,” the
lessons have been internalized. A
consequence of some these lessons are damage to the psychological foundation
that appear in the form of uncertainty and doubtfulness along the journey of life.
We do have choices.
We can follow the script that has been laid now for us by the larger
group. Or, the individual can choose to
question the lessons that have been internalized. In doing so, the individual works towards
seeking to achieve acceptance and validation from within the psychological self.
It is in adulthood that the individual can challenge the
lessons learned, accept responsibility for reformatting one’s psychological
foundation and add to validation to the psychological self. The willingness to do so may depend on one’s
want or desire to walk the unknown path where uncertainty and lack of comfort
lies ahead or stay to the “well designed road” that created by the larger group
with minimal expectations.
In closing, I am grateful to have the opportunity to provide
a more responsive discussion regarding the person’s feelings of embarrassment
regarding having only a few black friends. I have come to understand that there
are questions that arise from owning one’s feelings:
·
Do I choose my path in deciding my relationships
or do I continue to submit to the pressure being exerted by others?
·
Do I have the resolve or resources to process
the pressures that come internally or externally?
·
Am I willing to stay to the course now chosen
and experience the journey of life which lies ahead?
The question of embarrassment is one that allows the
individual to touch the self, and in doing so start the beginning of a new
journey.
The Journey
The end of one journey is the beginning of another.
The choice is ours. We can continue the same old thing, traveling the same road…… and reaching the same outcomes.
Or we can do something new , something different.
We can seek a new path… and in doing so,
Achieve growth, development & empowerment.
The Visible Man
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