Dr. Kane,
My childhood was relatively "normal." However, my current pregnancy has caused me to review how my parents interacted with me, specifically my mother. I saw her get angry a lot, and I am concerned about doing similar things and isolating my child. Can you provide insight on how to best live with this fear, rather than to live in it?
Thanks,
Pensive and Pregnant
I would like to extend to
you warm congratulations on the pending birth of your child. It appears from your writing that you may be
“living in fear” of repeating the same behavioral patterns parenting your child
that occurred during your childhood and adolescent development. It is without doubt that your parenting
assisted in shaping how you view the world of today.
First, I would like to
affirm your “worst” fears. Yes, in regard to parenting, you will at times
initiate behaviors that may appear to be either identical or similar to those
you saw in your mother. In your
writing, you indicated the following statements:
·
My childhood was relatively
"normal"
·
I saw my mother get angry a
lot
·
I am concerned about doing
similar things and isolating my child
As I was “listening” for
language indicating stressors, it appears that your concerns or “questioning”
may lie in the areas of:
·
How to deal with your anger
· How to
avoid isolating your child
· How to be an effective parent (without creating behaviors that
may emotionally impact your child)
Although it is desirable to
be the “perfect parent,” and in doing so making no errors in 24 hour a day
parenting (for 18 years), such desires are truly as unrealistic as they are
unattainable. The realities are the
following:
· We will model our parents' behavior as they likewise, modeled
their parents' behavior.
· The modeling of one’s parental behavior will be conscious as
well as unconscious.
· Rather than to avoid mistakes (or to deny making
mistakes), the initial goal can be to learn from the mistakes while working
towards its reduction and ultimate elimination.
· The secondary goal can be
consciously replacing the identified behavior or action with “corrected” or new
behavior.
Let’s return to the portion
of your question regarding “living with fear.”
The alternate choice is to “live in fear.” Living in fear can lead to paralyzing
feelings of doubt in one’s abilities and lead you to return to the pattern of
“old behaviors” that are known and used by the generations of parents before
you.
However, you can also choose
to “live with fear,” meaning that you will make mistakes, and in this
acknowledgment, be able to free yourself from the turmoil that you are creating
within the “psychological self.” In
doing so, you can achieve for yourself what your parents may have been unable to
due to ignorance (that is, lack of knowledge): the ability to embrace your
fears. As you embrace these fears, do so
with the willingness to forgive “yourself” as you seek to replace old behaviors
with new ones.
I would recommend that you
consider the utilization of a cognitive behavioral model that I have
created. It is entitled “The Five R’s of
Relief. It has five distinct stages that
pace well together. These include the
following:
· Respite- (take) a breath; a time out.
· Reaction- (internalizing) the acceptance and ownership of one’s
feelings.
· Reflection- (processing) the integration of one's thoughts and
actions.
· Response- (externalizing) expression or sharing of one's
thoughts/actions.
· Reevaluation- (review) assessment of the outcome and/or impact
of one's actions.
As
you prepare yourself for the impending joys and tasks of parenting, I would
encourage you to work to view the future with hope and optimism. I urge patience and more importantly,
forgiveness for the mistakes that you will no doubt make.
In closing, as you seek to
do more, give more and be more for your child, also be willing to extend the
same resources of empowerment for the psychological self. Create that safe place for the self that one
day will be consciously and unconsciously passed to your child. Seize this very moment!
Faust Part I
“Are you in earnest? Seize this very minute
What you can do, or dream
you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power,
and magic in it.
Only engage and then the
mind grows heated
Begin it and the work will
be completed!”
-Goethe
The Visible Man
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