Dear Readers:
Below is the response (or reaction) from one of our readers to
last week’s posting of “No Longer a Child: Booting Daddy To the End of the
Line.”
For those unfamiliar with the southern saying, “hotter than
fish grease” it can loosely translate as an individual being extremely
angry.
There may be times where, even when you are the object of
another’s person anger, you can benefit from the message they are bringing you. You can choose to respond to their points rather
than internalizing their reaction and making it yours.
If you do the latter,
you deny yourself the process of reflection before sharing the response with
the external world. This may result in
the message being unclear. Emotions
aside, the writer of this correspondence has raised issues of substance and that are
worthy of consideration.
Dear Visible Man,
I am not one to criticize the feelings of another, but since
you put yourself out there, I feel the need to speak up for the parents you trampled
on when you gave your “clinical insight” regarding the daughter who DID
DISRESPECT her father when she chose to “boot him to the end of the line.”
In fact, after all he
had done for her, providing guidance and direction in her life, her choosing to
contact her girlfriends first was more of “a slap in the face.” This is the problem with young people
today. A parent sacrifices all and what
does he or she get in return? Booted to the end of the line! Kicked to the curb! For what?
Her girlfriends?!
These girlfriends are only going to do so much for her. They only have a “snippet” of information,
whereas the involved parent was there from birth to adulthood. As a parent, I was there to wipe my
daughter’s behind when needed. I was
there to wipe the tears when she had a bad day or relationship breakup.
I agree with the father.
The daughter intentionally disrespected him. She was wrong for not informing him first,
especially since he remains actively involved in her life.
You should be ashamed of yourself. Since you put it out there, I am going to put
it out there.
You, being an African-American parent, should know about the
struggles of our children as they attempt to navigate a world that is hostile
to them. Your writings indicate that you
don't. You may
want to question as to whether your comments are dividing families and creating
tension among parents and siblings.
I am unclear as to what this “larger group” nonsense is that
you are always writing about. What does
the larger group have to do with me as an individual, as a parent supporting my
daughter?
I do know that I don’t like the use of all these clinical
references. It seems that you have spent
too much time reading those books and not living a “real life.”
If there is anyone that needs to be lying down on a couch
and having his head examined….it should be you!
Hotter Than Fish Grease, Seattle, WA
P.S. Bet you won’t print this!
Dear Madam,
It is clear that
I have several choices here. In my
younger and more radical days, I would probably say a few choice words that I
couldn’t print. Today, being older,
wiser and grayer, I choose to do something different. My choices are simple:
·
Hit the delete button
·
React to the challenge
·
Respond by sharing & educating.
What shall it be? Hmm…Let’s
go with sharing & educating.
In response to the issues/ concerns being addressed:
·
From the information being presented, there is
no evidence that the daughter intentionally sought to disrespect her
father. Did the father feel
disrespected? Yes! Is he entitled to his feelings? Yes! Is this about being who is right and who is
wrong?
Answer: It depends on the observer. My hope is that the father will have the
willingness to look at the situation from another viewpoint. In doing so, his feelings may change.
My goal is that he develops a sense of
understanding regarding his daughter’s choice to reach out to her friends for
emotional support. He can still maintain
an active role in her life without the expectation that she will come to him to
either inform him of every occurrence in her life or seek to resolve problems
that she is now equipped to respond to.
Regarding the concept of “parental sacrifice” and what that
parent “gets in return”, my views professionally and personally are the
following:
·
Those who make the decision to become parents
are blessed to have children in our lives.
·
Children DO NOT ask to be born. They come into this world out of circumstance
or as a result of the choices and decisions that are made by others.
·
Children DO NOT owe parents anything. There is no debt or obligation placed upon a
child for being born.
·
Parenting is a responsibility and NOT an obligation. It is something that one does out of love,
commitment and the desire to parent.
Differentiating between the limits of friendship and the
parental relationship:
·
To clarify, the relationships between the
daughter and the young women are not fleeting. Their quickness to respond and depth of
concern are clear indications that these relationships have strong foundations
and are deeply rooted.
·
In reviewing the clearly identified
relationship, it is my intent to point out that the friendships work in support of and not in competition
with the parental relationship.
Regardless of race, ethnicity, or
culture, many parents may be over their heads as they themselves struggle to
adjust in a fast moving, technologically focused world. In doing so, the parent may be working with a
skill or knowledge base that is not quite equipped for teaching problem solving
skills for this modern age. These friendships can make up for what parents may
lack in the guidance they provide to their children.
Regarding the "larger group"--from a clinical viewpoint, the
“larger group” consists of the integration and dependency of three sub units
working in collaboration. These three
sub units are society (at larger), community (church, school, and other defined
institutions) and family (loosely defined).
The most important piece, which impacts
the sub units separately and as a whole, is the individual member, who in some
way or function belongs to each one of the sub units as well as the larger
group.
The strength of the larger group
is the interworking among the three sub units.
The weakness of the larger group is its dependency upon the individual
to survive. The group does not teach the
individual to strive or thrive. Its hold
on the individual is one of existence or survival (of the group).
The focus of the larger group is
“the destination” i.e. middle class standing, buying a new car, promotion at
work.
However, for the parent, adult,
adolescent or child to be successful, seeking self-discovery and empowerment when
responding to obstacles and challenges are essential for development and
growth.
Concluding Remarks
Madam,
I think that like most of us, you are living in fear.
You are correct. Our
children are struggling to navigate a world that may be hostile to them. If we were to be honest with ourselves we
would be willing to admit that as parents, many of us (regardless of race) are
struggling with helping our children thrive.
In moving forward it was my intent to provide for the father
(and you) an alternative way in perceiving the actions taken by his
daughter.
We, as parents, must want to consider the following as our children
attain adulthood:
·
Transforming from the role of parent to that of
Dad & Mom.
·
Changing our status to advocates, seeking
balance and providing consultation when requested.
·
Empower ourselves to let go, move forth and grasp
the full meaning of our lives.
Yesterday is GONE
Today is FADING
Tomorrow is NOT PROMISED
LIVE IN THIS MOMENT
THE VISIBLE MAN
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