My Dear Readers,
Many of us are taught from birth
that our parents have our best interests at heart. However, there may be times when our parents voice
comments, statements or opinions that, although well intended, are actually harmful
and can result in psychological wounds.
When such acts occur, there is the
tendency for the adult child to walk away scarred and withdrawn. As much as we have mastered “honoring” our
fathers and mothers, there is a heavy cost that both parents and adult children
suffer when we focus on the well-meaning intent and ignore the emotional
devastation that results as the outcome.
Below is such a story.
Dear Visible Man,
I am a 35-year old
African-American woman who is originally from Memphis, TN. I have
been in Seattle for about 9 years, and I've had a very successful career-- I
have my bachelor's degree in computer science, and an MBA from a well-known
school in the South. I've worked at multiple prestigious companies, I am a
certified and known expert in my field, I'm now running my own
business, and I've just moved into a lovely new home that really feels
like my sanctuary.
The only thing that I
do struggle with is my weight. My doctors say that I'm healthy, and I am
athletic, playing many different sports. I will never be a slender girl-- I'm
just not built that way--but I would still like to slim down some.
Recently, I had
a phone conversation with my mother, who I'm very close to. I confided in
her that I was having some trouble getting the motivation to work out as hard
as I have in the past, and after playfully chiding me about getting back on my
routine, she says:
"Yeah, if you don't lose that weight, you'll probably never get a man."
She then says, bringing up my
past boyfriends from YEARS back:
"Well, that's why Robbie and Kelly didn't want you, and I'm sure you're bigger now than you were back then."
It felt like I'd been slapped in
the face and punched in the gut at the same time. I think I sputtered
something about how I was big when I was in both of those relationships, and
when she reiterated how I just HAD to be bigger now, I told her that I wanted
to change the subject. We did, and struggled through a separate
conversation before I made some kind of excuse to get off the phone.
If this wasn't my mother, I would
have cursed her most disgracefully and cut her off completely, like I do with
others who offend or otherwise injure me. I have very advanced defense
mechanisms, developed over years in the corporate world. But, because
she's my mom, I can't bring myself to be disrespectful to her or to tell her
that she's hurt me because she will think I'm too sensitive.
So, I've been avoiding her.
I called my sister and told her about it, and she said yeah, that she heard
when my mom said it, and when she hung up the phone, my sister took her to task
for it. She then sent me a funny YouTube video that she knew would cheer
me up.
I still don't want to talk to my
mom, because I still feel really vulnerable and I don't want to get blasted
again. I'm not even sure she notices that I'm avoiding her. I've meditated
and prayed on this, hoping that I won't still hurt about it, but she basically
preyed on my two biggest insecurities at the same time-- things she KNEW would
hurt me--- and I'm not able to "let it go," as you say in so many of
your writings. I mean, does she really think that I have nothing else to
offer besides a slim body? After everything I've accomplished?
I'm not sure what to do. I
miss our relationship, even though this only happened 2 weeks ago, and I don't
want this to become a bigger issue, but every time I talk to her now, I'm
really stiff and stilted and I don't want to share what's really in my heart
because I'm afraid of what she'll say to me.
I've written a book here.
Any observations you have will be helpful... thanks. :)
Walking
Wounded, Seattle, WA
Dear
Walking Wounded,
There
is a lot of suffering to digest here. In
my younger days, I remember a television show called Kids Say The Darndest Things hosted by Bill Cosby (1998-2000). In this show, kids would be showcased making
comments that were either funny or at least to be taken lightly. In essence, the kids, given their age and
level of emotional immaturity, were given a “free pass.”
I
can imagine those reading this posting may be saying one or more of the
following:
- For Pete’s sake, she’s your mother!
- You‘re too sensitive, grow a thicker skin!
- Lighten up! She didn’t mean anything by it.
- Come on now! Really?! Are you being for real?
All of that is “code” for what is being subconsciously
and unconsciously taught by society these days: “Man (or woman) up.” You are
being exhorted to be strong enough to take it. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT fall for the trap of
once again allowing the psychological self to be sacrificed out of your concern
regarding being viewed in a negative way by others or concerned about hurting
your mother’s feelings.
Concern
about another’s person’s feelings? How
about placing the needs or wants of another and prioritizing over those of
yourself? Maintain a tough skin and keep going?
“Sticks and stones will hurt my bones but name calling will never harm
me.”
-
Where do all these wonderful concepts come from?
- And whom do they benefit?
- The integration and dependency of three sub units working in collaboration.
- These three sub units are society (at large), community (church, school, and other defined institutions) and family (loosely defined).
The most important
piece, which impacts the sub units separately and as a whole, is YOU, the individual
member, who in some way or function belongs to each one of the sub units as
well as the larger group. The bottom
line is that YOU receive openly communicated messages that it is okay for
people known as parents (family) to say negative, uncomfortable or downright nasty
things to you under the guise of love, concern and caring feelings towards you. But is it really okay?
You stated:
“If this wasn't my mother, I would have cursed her most disgracefully and cut her off completely, like I do with others who offend or otherwise injure me.”
So, it’s okay for your
mother to make disparaging comments about your weight and yet you would not
tolerate such behavior from another? Okay, case closed. So let’s move on.
Wait. It's not working… You can’t move on. Why? You’re devastated. You’re emotionally blocked. As you clearly stated, “I'm not able to
let it go." So you want to let it
go, but you simply can’t do it. So now
you are confused and you don’t know what to do.
The
psychological self is talking to you.
Yes, intellectually, your training from the larger group is telling you
to move on. But, the psychological
self is telling you…No!
The question is: ARE YOU
LISTENING? The psychological self may be
telling you, “I am hurting. I am wounded by my mother’s words.” Questions arising from within the
psychological self may include the following:
- Are you going to advocate for me?
- Are you going to bring balance to me?
- Are you going to transform my state of confusion to one of calmness?
This fear-based behavior
is and has been repeated in countless families throughout the world. It is the clearly the struggle of the parent
to let go of the role of parent and transforming to the role of Mother, a support and confidant to the adult, no longer a parent.
The following model is
designed to assist parents who are seeking to make the transformation from
living IN fear to Living WITH Fear. In
order to do this, we must have the following:
- BELIEF- demonstration (through behavior, not words) of the acknowledgement that the individual, although still my child, is an “adult.”
- FAITH- the desire to accept that despite any fears related to the current situation, that the mother and/or father is secure in knowing that the “adult” will be successful following their death(s)
- TRUST-the willingness to accept the decision(s) as to how the “adult” has chosen to live one’s life i.e. “walk one’s journey.”
Begin the process of
“letting go” of the teachings of the larger group as it relates to acceptance
of actions and behaviors of family members simply because of role differences. As you are listening to
the psychological self, begin the work of embracing the psychological
self. Assume responsibility for the
following roles:
- ADVOCACY- Engage in a discussion with your mother. Openly talk about the emotional wounding. Create reasonable boundaries and expectations within the mother and adult daughter relationship.
- BALANCE-Work to reinforce your self-concept and self-esteem. Review and reframe the journey of your life. Believe in the journey. See the journey. Walk the journey. Stop seeking acceptance from others. Look within and gain self-acceptance.
- CALMNESS-Understand that the comfort zone, otherwise known as the “peace you are seeking” lies within you. Stop looking to others to grant you empowerment. Empowerment must come from within.
Concluding Words
Why do sheep stay in their
groups and not walk alone? It is within the context of the larger group that
they find safety, shelter and security. At
the same time, they submit to the will of the group. They do not move alone because
they live in fear. Such lives are set. They have found their comfort zone. This is what they know.
The eagle, on the other
hand, may travel in pairs or alone.
She/he is an individualist, seeking to soar to greater heights, despite
whatever barriers or obstacles lie before them.
They are majestic and unstoppable.
They live with fear.
Stop being concerned
with how others may perceive you.
Continue to walk your journey.
Focus on crossing the finish line in whatever race you engage in. It really does not matter when you cross or
whether others believe (or not) in your ability. What is essential is that you believe…in
self. Be an advocate for the self, find
balance and achieve calmness.
Stay with the sheep or
soar with the eagles. In fear or with
fear. You choose……
The Visible Man
No comments:
Post a Comment