Now and then, I
receive correspondence which challenges me to integrate my personal experiences
and beliefs with my professional insight.
Often, these are times in which I may be asked to step outside of my professional
training.
Occasionally,
people feel tormented regarding decisions they have made and must now contend
with. They often feel regret, fear, loss,
and a sense of abandonment. However,
finding balance in these situations is not about debating what is right or what
is wrong. It is about the feelings that
are associated.
Below is such a story…..
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Recently, my husband
and I were laid off within months of each other. Afterwards, I found out that I was
pregnant. Due to our fear that we would
not be able to financially support another child, we made the decision to
terminate the pregnancy.
I am now experiencing
intense anxiety, feelings of loss, and guilt regarding the decision to
terminate the pregnancy. As I stated
earlier, my spouse and I are a deeply religious family. I consider myself to be pro-life. I feel that that I abandoned my faith and
sought the termination out of fear, and now, I feel guilty.
I have not been
able to reconcile my actions and my faith.
I have ceased attending church or participating in church related
activities. The pastor and members of
the congregation are inquiring about my absence. I don’t know what to tell them. I am so ashamed.
I have questioned
whether God would abandon me for my actions.
Although I know that I did the right thing, I seek forgiveness. After wanting another child all these years,
I feel terrible having made the decision to terminate the pregnancy.
My husband and I want to have another
child in order to get back to where we were.
I am in good physical health. I
pray that God will bless us again. Do
you have any advice for me?
Feeling Lost, Federal Way, WA
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Dear Young Woman,
In all honesty, I
have the desire to pass up this question and leave it to the members of the
clergy to answer. However, to do so
would be a disservice to you as well as a missed opportunity for me as we continue
down our individual Journeys of Self Discovery.
The questions
that you pose are challenging ones, and to answer them, I will empower myself
to share my personal beliefs as well as professional insights.
You have unresolved
guilt due to your decision to terminate the pregnancy.
Young Woman,
In seeking God’s
forgiveness, you fail to seek forgiveness from self. By holding on to your guilt, you berate
yourself for making that decision now, when you are no longer pressured by the
fears that drove your decision to terminate the pregnancy. Times have changed,
and hindsight is 20/20.
Given this, have
the willingness to return to where you were when this decision was made. Empower yourself. Please do the following:
- Have the willingness to recall and review those dark and difficult days.
- Have the willingness to acknowledge the difficulty of your joint decision.
- Have the willingness to have empathy and compassion for yourself and the pain you carry.
You are experiencing intense fear and anxiety.
Young Woman,
In your haste to
bear the burden of fear and anxiety that God will punish you, you are
minimizing your blessings.
- Be reflective: you are not alone. Your spouse of 14 years has been with you through the darkest times.
- Be reflective: you have the blessings of two beautiful children.
- Be reflective: you have good physical health and hopefully are capable of conceiving and carrying a pregnancy to full term.
You are unable to
reconcile your actions with your spiritual journey.
Young Woman,
The gulf that has
developed between you and your church congregation may be a result of your
shame, which comes from your belief that you have strayed from your spiritual
walk. Empower the self to explore your
feelings associated with shame.
- Be vulnerable to self. Be willing to sit with your feelings of shame behavior.
- Be exposed to your shame. Be willing to embrace your shame. It is yours and yours alone. Cease avoidant and distracting behaviors.
- Be open to trusting your journey. It is your journey. It is for you to trust the experience that is to be gained from this journey.
You are worried that God has abandoned you.
Young
Woman,
If we know that God is Love and about
Love, why would God abandon you in this most difficult time? Reexamine your
spiritual walk.
- Embrace your belief within yourself.
- Be willing to explore and revise your faith as you learn through your spiritual walk.
- Empower the self to honestly walk your Journey of Self Discovery.
You desire to have another child in order
to get back to the state of life prior to the termination of the pregnancy.
Young
Woman,
There is no going back. In your memories you can return to what
happened, but you will NEVER be able to go back to the state
of life you had. You are a
different person now, and you must want to embrace that. There is no going back.
So,
what now?
1)
Extend the gift of apology to the self for the
pain and suffering it has endured during these many years.
2)
Be willing to accept the gift of the apology and
work towards letting go of the pain and suffering by providing forgiveness to
the self.
3)
Embrace the self. Extend love to the self and in doing so,
“love me more.” More.
Concluding Words
Young Woman,
We share a
common background. I was also “raised up” in the church. As a child, I was taught to read the
scriptures and through those heavy, intense messages from the pulpit, to love
God and fear his wrath, but I was also taught that when I did wrong, I was to
get on my knees and cry out to God for forgiveness.
It was in my
adulthood and during the Journey of Self Discovery that I arrived at the
crossroads and sought a different path.
Too often, we seek out God for forgiveness and if those prayers are not
answered, we assume that God has forsaken us.
I would hope that throughout the world,
what we all share about God is that God is about everlasting love, mercy, and most
importantly, forgiveness. The one thing
that we know for sure is that God will not abandon us. So, it’s not God that
you seek forgiveness from—he has already forgiven you. What is true for you is true for me and for
everyone else in the world: forgiveness must come from within the self.
As
you indicated earlier, you were raised in the church. As you are now an adult, it is your right and
responsibility, as you stand at the crossroads to view the journey of life as
that adult.
You are the captain of your ship and the
master of your destiny. It is for you
(and your spouse) to set the direction for the journey or journeys you are
about to travel.
Letting Go, Moving On
The past is gone yet
not forgotten,
Today is fading yet
not gone.
Tomorrow has not yet
be written or determined.
Let
go of the past.
Experience
the today.
Prepare
for the tomorrow.
Let us not forget.
Let us have the
willingness to forgive The Self and Accept the apology.
Let us honor the past,
today and tomorrow.
-Dr.
Micheal Kane
I wish you and your family the best and safe travels in your
upcoming journeys.
The Visible Man
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